The response from my post yesterday was amazing. I'm glad that so many of you appreciated my honesty because it was VERY difficult to share. Now that you know how I felt during that time, I want you to know the total truth about how I feel on a regular basis, so that you understand how different those feelings are from my day to day feelings.
First, I LOVE my husband. There is no way, in the world, that I could ask for someone better suited for me. He is absolutely caring and loving and a wonderful father to ELH. During my miscarriage "drama" he did everything he could to help me. On my worst days he went to all the trouble he could to just drag me out of bed and on my best days, he loved me 10 times more than I deserved. He suffered silently while I suffered openly, daily and endlessly. At the end of the day, this miscarriage allowed us to know and love each other in ways we never would have before. I'm not saying I'm thankful for the miscarriage but I'm thankful for what it did for our relationship.
Second, I adore ELH. I love waking up to her little voice, almost, everyday (it all depends on how many times she wakes up in the middle of the night). Her birth changed me in ways that I never, ever thought were possible. She has been the greatest gift to me since, well, my husband. I had never thought that I truly wanted to have children, that part is true, but I have never thought that I didn't want ELH. I've come to love "my family" and clearly with this last pregnancy, I was hoping to grow it a little.
Third, I have a dedicated and strong belief in Jesus Christ as my savior. I don't belong to a church, or have a Bible Study that I attend weekly but I have my own faith, my own journey that I enjoy and celebrate on my own. I am currently finishing my first trip through the Bible (front to back, every single page). I pray regularly and spend each day talking and involving the Lord in my activities and thoughts. Without my faith I wouldn't be the woman, wife, mother, friend that I am today. I've had it since I can remember and I'll keep it until the last day of my life.
Clearly, the three things that I mention most in my most painful times, are three of the most important things that exist in my life. Clearly, the feelings that I felt during my miscarriage pain, is not what I truly feel. So, as you are having your feelings, try to remember what you know as your "total truth." Remember, who you are and what you feel so that when those feelings take over, you will have a strong foundation to see you through the pain.
My strongest feeling about dealing with the miscarriage is to experience the full ranges of emotions that come along with the situation. Allow yourself to be sad, to be angry, to be depressed, to feel everything that comes into your heart and mind. If you try to avoid the feelings or hide them, they will stay in there and you'll never be able to move past the pain. BUT, always remember your "total truths" so that you don't fall into believing what you are feeling. They are just feelings, associated with your loss, not truths that are associated with your day to day life.
I can't write and say that I'm better and that I feel all rainbows and sunshine but I am dealing with it and when you experience a loss like this, "dealing with it" is the best you can do. In the process of dealing with it, you'll need to find someone to talk to too. You'll want to find the right person and if that person doesn't exist, then you'll need to prep the wrong person so they have the right reaction. If your husband isn't understanding (like mine was) you may want to sit him down and tell him that you just need to talk, you need him to listen and you just want him to be there. Some people won't have the reactions you'd hope and some people will do more than you could have ever expected. Don't judge your relationships based on how people react though. Most of the time people won't know what to do or what to say, give them a break and if you can tell them what you need to hear and what you need them to do.
If you don't have anyone to talk to, or you feel like no one understands, I'm here. You can email me and you can tell me your feelings and I won't judge and I'll be there. I had such overwhelming support through my pain that I want to return that support to anyone who needs it. I'm here, so never say that you don't have someone that will understand. You do.
My life. It is different, it has changed and it will never be what it was so I have to move on and be a better person from it, that's the only way to feel good about something so bad.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Pure Pain
I'm not fixing my grammar or spelling. I'm not taking out any swearing and I'm not changing anything I wrote. I'm letting you see my pure pain and suffering. I've received SO many emails from women who say they are feeling certain things and no one understands or they have no one to talk to. Well, here it is. The suffering, purely as it was coming on, I typed it all out. This was over the course of a few days, not just in one sitting. I can say now, that I don't feel the pain as much as I did at this time (months ago) I still understand it and I know where it was coming from.
For those of you that are just casually reading, this isn't for the faint of heart.
For those of you that are just casually reading, this isn't for the faint of heart.
"No, I don’t want to try again, I already got pregnant, give me that baby
I want MY baby in April, that’s what I want to be pregnant with, not another baby, another time
How is this fair, oh I know, life isn’t fair, everyone has it worse than me, but fuck that I wanted that baby, I was excited, ready, that was what I wanted I’m tired of god’s plan, I’m tired of adjusting and readjusting myself to whatever happens, I want what I want to happen, to happen not just whatever fucking feels like happening how is that even right
And then I’m supposed to understand, supposed to be smarter than this and I am and that sucks more I just want to be bitter, not think about hope or faith or read the bible
I don’t want to see another passage or another story or hear about praying and believing, I know God didn’t DO this to me and it isn’t his fault but I’m over it, done with that bs, give me a break from it I don’t feel hopeful or spiritual
And then a toothache and like I don’t have enough to deal with, its like really, enough, okay I’ve had enough I can’t even deal with this miscarriage can my fucking teeth be fine, of course not, why should they be, I’ll be strong and I’ll just deal with everything and I’ll survive and I know the right thing to do and what I’m supposed to say but you know fucking what I don’t want to do it anymore
I’m tired I want it all to go away the house, the dog, ELH all of it this isn’t working out like it was supposed to that baby was supposed to be here with us, now no, okay then well I don’t want to play anymore, not fair, I quit, yes over a miscarriage, I quit, over something as insignificant as a miscarriage, tons of women have them, who cares, they baby wasn’t that far along, I’m fine but I saw that baby and that baby’s heart and I felt that baby and I felt it love its daddy when he would rub my stomach and I loved it too and I wanted that baby to be here, knowing how much she would love her daddy I felt all that and then, just gone
Just, oh heart stopped no big deal baby is gone, no pregnancy, no holiday, no baby and everyone is sorry but they can move on and stop thinking of it, or think of it and feel sorry for my loss and everyone can tell me about their story and of course theirs are always worse, so mine isn’t that bad, at least she wasn’t stillborn, at least I wasn’t far along, at least this and that well, I mean the baby is dead regardless so come the fuck on and let me just have it, who cares how
I wasn’t even bleeding that much, how could she have died, why, what I hate it all, there are no good answers, just have “faith” and pray, pray about what? To feel better, to be happy my baby is in heaven to be grateful for my blessings well I don’t want to be, not one bit and yup I know I’m being bitter and angry and unreasonable but oh fucking well, no one asked me if it was okay to take my baby so I think I’ll be however I want
A fucking toothache, seriously, from being pregnant, that’s what I get to think about, as if it weren’t enough I have to suffer in pain and be reminded that the pregnancy caused a toothache but now I’m just not pregnant, no baby and I’m kind of glad, I don’t want to be fat and pregnant and have an infant and deal with that stress and not sleep and be miserable and I don’t want to be married and raise ELH, fuck it all, I want my own life back, all of this shit where I have to do things for everyone else and whatever, I don’t want to do it, I’ll take my own life back and and move on if that’s how this goes, I mean anything can happen then I’ll just do what I want and be happy but oh no, I know better than that so that’s not fair and what about ELH she doesn’t deserve that but what the FUCK, what about ME, all I have to fucking do is worry about everyone else, what they feel, making it okay, putting my feelings and wants aside and trying to be ‘christian” and have faith and pray and be a good person, well it was hard enough before I’m too tired to do it now
Yes, that means I don’t want to deal with God and love and patience, none of it and I know that’s not right and you’d think I’d want to pray and try but I don’t, I don’t want to , why should I who even cares I just hate it and no I don’t want to “harm myself” fuck at this point I just want to have a good time, why would I want to end my life, now it is my turn, my life, I’ve tried for so long, I didn’t want ELH, I didn’t want this life and everyone said oh God has a plan for you, just deal with it, so day after day I grin and bear it, trying to make the best of it, trying to feel blessed but that’s not what I wanted and I was just doing what I should, we were having a family and I was going to be happy and have kids and you know I didn’t want this in the first place, I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t want to deal with this, and here I am stuck with ELH but I can’t have a baby that I actually want to have, why, how is that fair, I’ve hated half the days I’ve dealt with over the past 4 years and now this, now I don’t even get this baby
So that obviously means I should worry about myself not everyone else or god’s plan for me to be married and have ELH, I’ll just go and do what I want then I wont’ love anyone so I don’t have to deal with this I don’t’ want support or hugs or cards I wanted that baby
And now I have to watch ELH grow knowing this other baby won’t, won’t do what ELH is doing, what be ELH’s age or be in school right after ELH I have to go on the entire rest of my life ALWAYS thinking about that, are you fucking kidding me…oh well at least you have a child, yes, great a constant reminder of what this child will never be, fun.
And thigns don’t just stop, they go and go and go and everyone goes and I’m supposed to deal and just breathe and take it day by day but you know I want to say no, no I don’t want anymore days to go by, I don’t know how to deal with this or what to do and I don’t want to talk to another single person who tells me they don’t understand but they are sorry or they don’t know what to say but they tell me to pray, give me a fucking break, pray, okay, ya.
I want to go. I want to leave. I want all new, start again, do it differently I want the life I wanted, not the life I got. I prayed to get through each day to make peace with my decisions and the outcomes, I prayed to love my husband to have patience with my daughter, I prayed to deal with everything I couldn’t deal with and now this, now I’m supposed to pray about something that god very clearly knows happened and I know it will be okay, of course it will be okay but it still isn’t fair and I don’t’ like it I don’t like not being pregnant, where is my baby, why isn’t she here why isn’t she growing, I know she was okay, I know, I felt her and now she’s not, now she’s gone I keep having these feelings like maybe she’ll come back, maybe I’ll wake up and it will be a dream
I hate all the books, I’m tired of trying to feel better or to understand, how about this, I hate it and I don’t understand and I don’t care and I don’t feel like bonding and I’m sorry you lost your baby but fuck off cause I’m trying to deal
I don’t’ want to see people or talk to people, yes I want to go away and be alone but I don’t have that choice so I keep going on and talking and smiling and being strong and doing whatever I’m supposed to while I secretly hate every person that forces me to talk to them, to smile at them, I hate my husband for making me deal with him and his shit and to talk to him and not just leave me alone and let me be
I was the pregnant one, I had her, in me, we were together and now we are not, no you don’t understand and I don’t want you to be nice, you have that choice, you aren’t suffering enough so you can feel sorry for me and can offer to help and care and I don’t want any of it of course you stayed by me at the hospital, what else were you going to do, I had to do it all there, I had to go through it, I had to lose the baby I had to be pregnant and then I’m expected to be pregnant again, because miscarriages just happen and you just try again and we’ll just try again I don’t want him to touch me, ever, I don’t’ want to try or to hug or to be intimate I’m in a bad mood, I hate this, I don’t want to deal with anyone else, I literally hate every person that makes me even make eye contact, I just want it all to go away, why shouldn’t it, I wanted the baby, the baby is gone so fuck the rest of this
No, I’m not totally crazy I just need this all to come out, all to be out of me, so I had to type it, had to type every thought I had so it would just go away and be some where else. God help the person that reads this.
I don’t sleep but I’m always tired, I can’t make sense of half of what I’m doing and when I am making sense I’m usually just not doing anything. I’m not hungry but I eat junk, I want to exercise and feel good but I can’t allow myself, why should I there is always something to do, not a ton, but always something and I want to do nothing. I know, I know medication. I’ll talk to my DR fine but that doesn’t change THIS, THIS changed me, my life, everything and too bad for everyone else that has to deal with it. I feel selfish and miserable and I want to feel it, I like it. And I’m tired again and I’m going to go out and pretend to have fun and care and I don’t, I don’t want to go, I want to stay home I hate everyone, hate their lives and their conversations and I don’t want to get ready but I will and I don’t want to do anything but I will and I don’t want to
My fucking tooth. Seriously.
Everything is just different now."
Thursday, November 18, 2010
It Doesn't Just Go Away
I'm writing this amidst tears. I don't feel like calling anyone for support or trying to find a friend for a hug but I need to get it out.
It doesn't just go away. Every time I think it does, it pops back up and the longer I go and the better I feel the more random the times are that it creeps up on me and makes me sad.
I'll admit it, I want a baby, badly. I wanted to be pregnant this month, my first month with the chance to become pregnant and instead my period came, right on time. I took three pregnancy test, even though I was never even late. I just hoped. It was silly but it made me feel better to take them, making myself believe there was a chance I might be pregnant. I've never "wanted" a baby. I didn't plan on my first, nor was I in any position to even start thinking about wanting one, so it is just a different situation here. I don't love this feeling all that much. It is weird because I don't want to have it, it is just hard and my heart breaks for women who live with this feeling their whole lives, I don't know how they do it.
I've made it, I know at one point it was worse (I can read all about it on my blog). I don't cry daily, I don't think of my dying baby every time I touch my stomach. I don't feel sick at the idea of getting pregnant. So, I know that in that sense, I'm doing better. Otherwise, I feel like I'm doing worse.
I found ELH's Christmas blanket that said "Baby's First Christmas 2007" and I cried. I just thought of that first Christmas with her and how excited I was to be with this new baby for his/her first Christmas next year.
We had a wonderful Christmas card sent out last year and this year I was so excited to have the photos taken with my pregnant belly. Now, I can't bring myself to even send a Christmas card because it breaks my heart to try and do it "without my baby" as part of the picture. So, I cry thinking about Christmas cards.
We have an annual Christmas party that I can bear to hold this year. I won't be pregnant, it won't be right to have it. I know that it isn't fair to ELH, to not enjoy everything with her, I'm trying but the party isn't happening. I was going to be pregnant this Christmas and enjoying, eating all the yummy things that come along with throwing the Christmas party. Now I'm not pregnant, so...well, I cry.
I was at Starbucks today and I overheard a woman greet an older man behind me. I turned to check out their conversation (I'm nosey) and she starts to congratulate the older man on finally becoming a grandpa and he says "Oh, no, the baby didn't make it, they lost it at 13 weeks, so no, not a grandpa yet." The woman was so upset and apologized and the older man was polite but to see his heartbreak was, well heartbreaking. Fortunately, I was in public with someone I didn't know well enough to break down sobbing in front of, so I held it all in. I went home and cried instead.
There are moments like this all the time, just random times, random things and I cry. I wish that I didn't, wish that I wasn't but I am and I do. I'm trying not to right now but my heart hurts and I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I'm so sad, that I'm still sad and that I'm not more grateful for what I DO have. I don't want to be so sad. Who does though? I want to understand that "miscarriages happen" and that people survive them and move on, daily. That isn't happening right now though, so I'm sad and I cry.
It doesn't just go away. Every time I think it does, it pops back up and the longer I go and the better I feel the more random the times are that it creeps up on me and makes me sad.
I'll admit it, I want a baby, badly. I wanted to be pregnant this month, my first month with the chance to become pregnant and instead my period came, right on time. I took three pregnancy test, even though I was never even late. I just hoped. It was silly but it made me feel better to take them, making myself believe there was a chance I might be pregnant. I've never "wanted" a baby. I didn't plan on my first, nor was I in any position to even start thinking about wanting one, so it is just a different situation here. I don't love this feeling all that much. It is weird because I don't want to have it, it is just hard and my heart breaks for women who live with this feeling their whole lives, I don't know how they do it.
I've made it, I know at one point it was worse (I can read all about it on my blog). I don't cry daily, I don't think of my dying baby every time I touch my stomach. I don't feel sick at the idea of getting pregnant. So, I know that in that sense, I'm doing better. Otherwise, I feel like I'm doing worse.
I found ELH's Christmas blanket that said "Baby's First Christmas 2007" and I cried. I just thought of that first Christmas with her and how excited I was to be with this new baby for his/her first Christmas next year.
We had a wonderful Christmas card sent out last year and this year I was so excited to have the photos taken with my pregnant belly. Now, I can't bring myself to even send a Christmas card because it breaks my heart to try and do it "without my baby" as part of the picture. So, I cry thinking about Christmas cards.
We have an annual Christmas party that I can bear to hold this year. I won't be pregnant, it won't be right to have it. I know that it isn't fair to ELH, to not enjoy everything with her, I'm trying but the party isn't happening. I was going to be pregnant this Christmas and enjoying, eating all the yummy things that come along with throwing the Christmas party. Now I'm not pregnant, so...well, I cry.
I was at Starbucks today and I overheard a woman greet an older man behind me. I turned to check out their conversation (I'm nosey) and she starts to congratulate the older man on finally becoming a grandpa and he says "Oh, no, the baby didn't make it, they lost it at 13 weeks, so no, not a grandpa yet." The woman was so upset and apologized and the older man was polite but to see his heartbreak was, well heartbreaking. Fortunately, I was in public with someone I didn't know well enough to break down sobbing in front of, so I held it all in. I went home and cried instead.
There are moments like this all the time, just random times, random things and I cry. I wish that I didn't, wish that I wasn't but I am and I do. I'm trying not to right now but my heart hurts and I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I'm so sad, that I'm still sad and that I'm not more grateful for what I DO have. I don't want to be so sad. Who does though? I want to understand that "miscarriages happen" and that people survive them and move on, daily. That isn't happening right now though, so I'm sad and I cry.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
What Now...
Well, here we are, post miscarriage and I'm kind of stuck in a "what now" slump. I've been cleared to resume "marital activity" and well, we have. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, I just try to block out the idea of actually getting pregnant, while we are...umm, engaging in marital activities. When I do start to think about it, my heart speeds up, I start sweating a little and I get dizzy. No, really.
I know that I want a baby, clearly that was the plan from the beginning. I was pregnant with a baby that I wanted to be having, so of course I still want one but a NEW one, that's hard. If I think of it like that, it makes it worse. To be pregnant again, to "replace" the lost baby that I had, oh boy does my heart hurt to think of that. However, if I don't ever get pregnant again, I'll never have another baby. I know that sounds quite obvious but I have to remind myself that in order to get what I had hoped for, I have to go through it.
We are continuing "marital activity" without any thought to getting pregnant or not and just hoping it happens sometime along the way. That's the most I can muster right now. I can't think about how excited I'd be to get pregnant or how scared I'd be again.
I have a wonderful friend who is pregnant with twins, we both found out we were pregnant around the same time and while you'd think I'd have a harder time dealing with her pregnancy it only brings me joy. I love seeing the ultrasound photos, I love seeing her belly and just kind of feeling the joy and love she is getting from her experience. I don't have an ounce of sadness that it isn't me, but definitely disappointment that we aren't going through it together.
I recently found out another friend was pregnant and that was actually a bit harder, which I thought was weird. I don't know what it was, but just hearing that someone else was about to experience what I had been hoping to experience made me, well, kind of jealous. That emotion doesn't occur much in my life, I'm not a jealous person but I had a twinge of it. I almost couldn't respond in kindness, I had to remind myself that I WAS happy for her, thrilled even. Didn't enjoy that moment.
So for now, it is just seeing what happens and going with the flow. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't desperate to be pregnant but I'm also scared and nervous so they are evening each other other. The whole realm of emotions is somehow keeping me sane.
PS- I don't have a problem mentioning the word sex, but "marital activity" sounds funnier.
PPS- I will NOT wait to tell people I'm pregnant again. I wouldn't have made it through my miscarriage, if I would not have gotten all of the support I did. I'm not "keeping it secret" until it is "safe" to tell. I find that whole idea to be ridiculous. Why should you have to hide something you are so overjoyed about? Especially when, if it happens, you need the MOST support if you lose it? Seems silly to me. So, keep posted, you'll be the first (well not the FIRST) to know!
I know that I want a baby, clearly that was the plan from the beginning. I was pregnant with a baby that I wanted to be having, so of course I still want one but a NEW one, that's hard. If I think of it like that, it makes it worse. To be pregnant again, to "replace" the lost baby that I had, oh boy does my heart hurt to think of that. However, if I don't ever get pregnant again, I'll never have another baby. I know that sounds quite obvious but I have to remind myself that in order to get what I had hoped for, I have to go through it.
We are continuing "marital activity" without any thought to getting pregnant or not and just hoping it happens sometime along the way. That's the most I can muster right now. I can't think about how excited I'd be to get pregnant or how scared I'd be again.
I have a wonderful friend who is pregnant with twins, we both found out we were pregnant around the same time and while you'd think I'd have a harder time dealing with her pregnancy it only brings me joy. I love seeing the ultrasound photos, I love seeing her belly and just kind of feeling the joy and love she is getting from her experience. I don't have an ounce of sadness that it isn't me, but definitely disappointment that we aren't going through it together.
I recently found out another friend was pregnant and that was actually a bit harder, which I thought was weird. I don't know what it was, but just hearing that someone else was about to experience what I had been hoping to experience made me, well, kind of jealous. That emotion doesn't occur much in my life, I'm not a jealous person but I had a twinge of it. I almost couldn't respond in kindness, I had to remind myself that I WAS happy for her, thrilled even. Didn't enjoy that moment.
So for now, it is just seeing what happens and going with the flow. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't desperate to be pregnant but I'm also scared and nervous so they are evening each other other. The whole realm of emotions is somehow keeping me sane.
PS- I don't have a problem mentioning the word sex, but "marital activity" sounds funnier.
PPS- I will NOT wait to tell people I'm pregnant again. I wouldn't have made it through my miscarriage, if I would not have gotten all of the support I did. I'm not "keeping it secret" until it is "safe" to tell. I find that whole idea to be ridiculous. Why should you have to hide something you are so overjoyed about? Especially when, if it happens, you need the MOST support if you lose it? Seems silly to me. So, keep posted, you'll be the first (well not the FIRST) to know!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Check Up
I go in for my post-miscarriage check up this week. I'm sure that is what is contributing to all of this "random" sadness. I'm excited to be "cleared" or at least be told that everything is back in working order (and I'm sure my husband is even happier) At the same time its just another reminder, just another appointment, just another visit to the DR that smacks me right in the face and says "You lost the baby, remember?"
Good times, I'm telling you. Good times....
Good times, I'm telling you. Good times....
Sadness
I'm still considering sharing my breakdown. I wrote a few times, at my worst times and I think I want to let other people know, the thoughts and the pain that can occur. I know they were overwhelming, stressful, sad but most of all normal. I want to make sure that someone else that is going through what I went through, can relate and possibly relax.
Today I'm just going to write about being sad. I go days at a time and don't think of it, don't feel anything. I can find myself thinking that I'm dealing with it, that I've made it through the worst parts of losing the baby. Then, one day, out of nowhere, the pain and sadness are back. Back like they were never gone.
I hate that I can't plan on that, can't prepare for that. I don't want to feel it, again, after already feeling it in the first place. After dealing with it before and getting past it. I don't want it back but then, just out of nowhere it is back. Sadness, loss, lonely, alone....I feel like no one understands and worse I feel like the person closest to me, doesn't understand. I hate feeling alienated from my husband. He doesn't know it, or get it, but I'm trying. That whole situation is so complicated, I'll wait to write on how I'm handling it, how we are dealing together and apart.
It just seems like so much happens when the feelings come back. So many things go through my mind, what should have been, could have been, might have been and then I'm just reminded that I'm not pregnant. There is no baby, so there is nothing. So then I feel stupid for feeling so badly. Every feeling that I hadn't felt, I end up feeling. Every disappointment I didn't think I'd be disappointed about, I end up having.
It's just frustrating. You work so hard at something, make so much progress and then, out of nowhere by no fault of your own, it is like you haven't done anything. I like things to work out how they are supposed to. Problem = Solution. Hard Work = Success. It isn't working that way. I can pray, read, talk and share and somehow, some days it doesn't feel like I've gotten anywhere past that minute at the DR office when they told me.
The worst part, the hardest part for me is that life just goes on. I know you hear it all the time and of course it is cliche but until your world has stopped, you don't know how dreadful it is to have "life just go on." I want everything to stop so I can deal, so I can suffer but it doesn't. I want to be able to sit for hours and deal with it, while nothing else goes on. I don't want to take calls and make plans, I want to be alone and be somewhere, where I deal with this. It isn't realistic and I imagine that you really can't WANT for life to stop. Without the plans and the friends and the calls, I'd be worse off, I know. It is silly to even think that but in being honest, I'll share anything. Even saying ridiculous things like wishing everything would go away...
I'm in that mood now, I'm not usually. I'm sad right now but I'm usually happy. My outlook on the whole situation has been one of learning to grow from this, share with others and help someone else to not feel alone, not feel such a loss, such pain, such sadness. But then here I sit feeling alone and sad. It will pass and I'll be "fine" that's just how this goes. I know it but each time it hits me, I have to start all over again and it hurts. Each time my heart breaks for my baby and each time I have to take a breath and try and recover. How many times do I have to go through it? How long can I really deal with this? I don't know but I'll keep praying and dealing and reading and sharing and I'll hope that one day I'll have recovered as best as I can.
Clearly, there is a point when this all becomes too much and you work your way into "depression." I realize there is that line and I know it very well but I'm staying away from it, so no worries. If you feel like you are a bit too close to that line where sadness becomes misery and misery becomes depression then you should share that with someone. Even if all you do is email me, just share those feelings. Acknowledge that they are real and that you are having them and they will have less control over you than if you try to hide them.
It will get better but sometimes it will get worse. I'm just going to be sure to survive either outcome and move on.
Today I'm just going to write about being sad. I go days at a time and don't think of it, don't feel anything. I can find myself thinking that I'm dealing with it, that I've made it through the worst parts of losing the baby. Then, one day, out of nowhere, the pain and sadness are back. Back like they were never gone.
I hate that I can't plan on that, can't prepare for that. I don't want to feel it, again, after already feeling it in the first place. After dealing with it before and getting past it. I don't want it back but then, just out of nowhere it is back. Sadness, loss, lonely, alone....I feel like no one understands and worse I feel like the person closest to me, doesn't understand. I hate feeling alienated from my husband. He doesn't know it, or get it, but I'm trying. That whole situation is so complicated, I'll wait to write on how I'm handling it, how we are dealing together and apart.
It just seems like so much happens when the feelings come back. So many things go through my mind, what should have been, could have been, might have been and then I'm just reminded that I'm not pregnant. There is no baby, so there is nothing. So then I feel stupid for feeling so badly. Every feeling that I hadn't felt, I end up feeling. Every disappointment I didn't think I'd be disappointed about, I end up having.
It's just frustrating. You work so hard at something, make so much progress and then, out of nowhere by no fault of your own, it is like you haven't done anything. I like things to work out how they are supposed to. Problem = Solution. Hard Work = Success. It isn't working that way. I can pray, read, talk and share and somehow, some days it doesn't feel like I've gotten anywhere past that minute at the DR office when they told me.
The worst part, the hardest part for me is that life just goes on. I know you hear it all the time and of course it is cliche but until your world has stopped, you don't know how dreadful it is to have "life just go on." I want everything to stop so I can deal, so I can suffer but it doesn't. I want to be able to sit for hours and deal with it, while nothing else goes on. I don't want to take calls and make plans, I want to be alone and be somewhere, where I deal with this. It isn't realistic and I imagine that you really can't WANT for life to stop. Without the plans and the friends and the calls, I'd be worse off, I know. It is silly to even think that but in being honest, I'll share anything. Even saying ridiculous things like wishing everything would go away...
I'm in that mood now, I'm not usually. I'm sad right now but I'm usually happy. My outlook on the whole situation has been one of learning to grow from this, share with others and help someone else to not feel alone, not feel such a loss, such pain, such sadness. But then here I sit feeling alone and sad. It will pass and I'll be "fine" that's just how this goes. I know it but each time it hits me, I have to start all over again and it hurts. Each time my heart breaks for my baby and each time I have to take a breath and try and recover. How many times do I have to go through it? How long can I really deal with this? I don't know but I'll keep praying and dealing and reading and sharing and I'll hope that one day I'll have recovered as best as I can.
Clearly, there is a point when this all becomes too much and you work your way into "depression." I realize there is that line and I know it very well but I'm staying away from it, so no worries. If you feel like you are a bit too close to that line where sadness becomes misery and misery becomes depression then you should share that with someone. Even if all you do is email me, just share those feelings. Acknowledge that they are real and that you are having them and they will have less control over you than if you try to hide them.
It will get better but sometimes it will get worse. I'm just going to be sure to survive either outcome and move on.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Breakdown, maybe.
Where have I been? Knowing how much I enjoy sharing intimate details of my life, why haven't I posted more? Well, I had, what I would consider, a breakdown of sorts. I have everything typed out, everything I was feeling, everything I thought but I'm not sure about posting it. I think it would help, it would help someone to know that their "crazy" thoughts aren't totally crazy but at the same time I'm afraid I do end up coming across as crazy....I'm thinking about posting it but in the meantime, I found this great blog and then found this post that describes exactly what I feel everytime someone ask me when we are going to start trying again...
http://thetsunamimommy.com/2010/10/id-love-another-baby-but/
The blog is great but this post felt like it was written to me....
Enjoy!
http://thetsunamimommy.com/2010/10/id-love-another-baby-but/
The blog is great but this post felt like it was written to me....
Enjoy!
Monday, October 4, 2010
My Purchase
My order came in the mail today and I can say that somehow, receiving this and seeing it here, it made me feel something comfortable. Something like I wasn't just trying to ignore what had happened or that I wasn't going to just push my feeling aside. I am acknowledging this and I have "something" now. Something really wonderful too. I'm so glad I ordered this.
Here is the front
Here is the back (I asked for the item to be personalized)
If you were interested in purchasing one, here is the site that I used
http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry
I'm sure you can find items all over the internet but if you were thinking of getting something, I'm going to suggest that you do. It feels good to have "something."
Here is the front
http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry
I'm sure you can find items all over the internet but if you were thinking of getting something, I'm going to suggest that you do. It feels good to have "something."
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Real Time
Well, this is harder for me to write, than the details of the miscarriage and the details of the D&C, this is what I'm going through, now, for real, everything.
I think unless you've experienced a miscarriage, this post might not be as easy to follow as the rest, if you are still reading I wish you luck.
I feel awful. I've dealt with the reality of it, but I can't seem to deal with anything else. I can't seem to deal with the feelings or emotions that just pop up. I can't seem to deal with randomly needing to cry or sleep or feeling sick then feeling better. I want things back to normal, or whatever normal was, I just want that back. It feels like I'm not in control of anything. First, I lose the baby now I'm losing my mind. Or at least that's how it feels. Worse is that I know I'm not really losing my mind but for some reason I can't control any of the feelings.
I'm tired during the day and then I'm awake all night. I want to sleep but I hate being in bed, I want to stay awake so I can get something done, but I can't get anything started. I love ELH and crave her and then I'm annoyed with her and wish she'd leave me alone. I am grateful for my husband and his patience and then I want him to just go away. I want everyone to go away but at the same time I need someone to talk to. When I have someone to talk to, I don't know what to say. It is dreadful, this process of dealing and recovering.
I make plans to stay busy, then I dread doing things. I try to be out and about but then I get tired or miserable and don't enjoy myself. I manage to go to the gym, workout and then feel awful for the rest of the day instead of feeling good that I got out. I'm angry for no reason, agitated about nothing and well beyond what most women will consider just a little "moody."
The absolute worst part is that this is all "normal" for post miscarriage struggles and I hate knowing that even more. What the hell does that mean? Normal? How is feeling like this, feeling all over the place, normal?? How is constantly being unsure of what I want, how I feel, what to do and how I am coping with this, NORMAL?!? I want to be happy, I want to be calm and relaxed, not this, this can't be "normal" because I can't handle it. This isn't "me", this isn't who I am or who I want to be. I'm stronger than this, I can deal with bigger things than this, why is this so hard? Of course I'm sad I lost a child, but I feel as though there has to be a way to understand it and move past it, but that's not how this works.
I pray and I don't hate God for any of this. It never crossed my mind to be mad at God, or to blame God for this. God is here with me, through this, he never promised perfect, he just promised support and love, unconditionally. I'm getting that but at the same time, why isn't it making everything better? Would it be easier to be angry with God since I'm suffering? I don't know, but that's not how my relationship with God works, so that's not an option for me. I keep praying and hoping that something pulls me out of this, pulls me through this but I do keep in mind that God's plan and God's schedule aren't the same as mine. I would say that, that does frustrate me because I don't want to suffer and morn forever. I have things to do, people to see, places to you, you know...
I know all about depression and dealing with it. I don't have any hang-ups with medication and I hope that while other women go through this, they don't either. At some point you just have to say that you'll take whatever will help. I won't get into all of that, with me not being a doctor and all, I don't have the knowledge or experience to really explain everything properly. What I will say is, it doesn't hurt to ask about medications or to start therapy. Just a few questions to your doctor won't hurt, don't be afraid of asking.
So, what does my post amount to? Nothing. I just needed to be honest, to get these feelings out and to share this with other women, who may be suffering or have suffered. I want someone to know that it is okay, as I know, it is okay. The suffering, the sadness, the ups and the downs are all part of the process and even if I can't quite get a handle on them, I understand them and accept them. I'm trying to stop fighting them, stop pushing everything away and just dealing. That's definitely harder than you'd think. I want it all to go away, but that's not how it happens here. Trying to be patient with myself, with my body and even with God. I'm not patient, not even a little bit, so even that is harder than it should be.
My current mood, exhausted. I've got a headache and what I could possibly consider to be the flu. I want to go to bed, but I'm tired of being tired. I'm hoping it gets better and wishing for some type of major distraction so I can stop thinking about it. I don't think that would help, but I still keep hoping for it. The one thing getting me through it all is knowing that the pain I felt the minute I knew, is worse than anything I've felt since, so it is getting better, even if I can't see it.
I hope someone reads this and it helps. If it doesn't help, I hope you at least know how crazy I am these days and if you see me, you'll know not to move in for a hug :) I'm not stable so I can't promise anything. It's funny cause its true.
I think unless you've experienced a miscarriage, this post might not be as easy to follow as the rest, if you are still reading I wish you luck.
I feel awful. I've dealt with the reality of it, but I can't seem to deal with anything else. I can't seem to deal with the feelings or emotions that just pop up. I can't seem to deal with randomly needing to cry or sleep or feeling sick then feeling better. I want things back to normal, or whatever normal was, I just want that back. It feels like I'm not in control of anything. First, I lose the baby now I'm losing my mind. Or at least that's how it feels. Worse is that I know I'm not really losing my mind but for some reason I can't control any of the feelings.
I'm tired during the day and then I'm awake all night. I want to sleep but I hate being in bed, I want to stay awake so I can get something done, but I can't get anything started. I love ELH and crave her and then I'm annoyed with her and wish she'd leave me alone. I am grateful for my husband and his patience and then I want him to just go away. I want everyone to go away but at the same time I need someone to talk to. When I have someone to talk to, I don't know what to say. It is dreadful, this process of dealing and recovering.
I make plans to stay busy, then I dread doing things. I try to be out and about but then I get tired or miserable and don't enjoy myself. I manage to go to the gym, workout and then feel awful for the rest of the day instead of feeling good that I got out. I'm angry for no reason, agitated about nothing and well beyond what most women will consider just a little "moody."
The absolute worst part is that this is all "normal" for post miscarriage struggles and I hate knowing that even more. What the hell does that mean? Normal? How is feeling like this, feeling all over the place, normal?? How is constantly being unsure of what I want, how I feel, what to do and how I am coping with this, NORMAL?!? I want to be happy, I want to be calm and relaxed, not this, this can't be "normal" because I can't handle it. This isn't "me", this isn't who I am or who I want to be. I'm stronger than this, I can deal with bigger things than this, why is this so hard? Of course I'm sad I lost a child, but I feel as though there has to be a way to understand it and move past it, but that's not how this works.
I pray and I don't hate God for any of this. It never crossed my mind to be mad at God, or to blame God for this. God is here with me, through this, he never promised perfect, he just promised support and love, unconditionally. I'm getting that but at the same time, why isn't it making everything better? Would it be easier to be angry with God since I'm suffering? I don't know, but that's not how my relationship with God works, so that's not an option for me. I keep praying and hoping that something pulls me out of this, pulls me through this but I do keep in mind that God's plan and God's schedule aren't the same as mine. I would say that, that does frustrate me because I don't want to suffer and morn forever. I have things to do, people to see, places to you, you know...
I know all about depression and dealing with it. I don't have any hang-ups with medication and I hope that while other women go through this, they don't either. At some point you just have to say that you'll take whatever will help. I won't get into all of that, with me not being a doctor and all, I don't have the knowledge or experience to really explain everything properly. What I will say is, it doesn't hurt to ask about medications or to start therapy. Just a few questions to your doctor won't hurt, don't be afraid of asking.
So, what does my post amount to? Nothing. I just needed to be honest, to get these feelings out and to share this with other women, who may be suffering or have suffered. I want someone to know that it is okay, as I know, it is okay. The suffering, the sadness, the ups and the downs are all part of the process and even if I can't quite get a handle on them, I understand them and accept them. I'm trying to stop fighting them, stop pushing everything away and just dealing. That's definitely harder than you'd think. I want it all to go away, but that's not how it happens here. Trying to be patient with myself, with my body and even with God. I'm not patient, not even a little bit, so even that is harder than it should be.
My current mood, exhausted. I've got a headache and what I could possibly consider to be the flu. I want to go to bed, but I'm tired of being tired. I'm hoping it gets better and wishing for some type of major distraction so I can stop thinking about it. I don't think that would help, but I still keep hoping for it. The one thing getting me through it all is knowing that the pain I felt the minute I knew, is worse than anything I've felt since, so it is getting better, even if I can't see it.
I hope someone reads this and it helps. If it doesn't help, I hope you at least know how crazy I am these days and if you see me, you'll know not to move in for a hug :) I'm not stable so I can't promise anything. It's funny cause its true.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Silver Lining
All my thanks to all who cared. I'd try to always honor God by making the most of any situation I go through, any pain I experience and any tragedy I survive. With that being said, I am grateful my eyes were opened during this time, enough to see the amazing and wonderful people God has blessed me with.
Well first, and from the very bottom of my heart I want to thank my husband for all he did. For putting aside his pain to deal with mine. For putting aside his wants/needs to help me pull through. For not getting enough time to recover before having to head back to work, yet still coming home ready to "help" in anyway he can. I could go on and on, but ABH isn't a fan of my deep desire to share all of the details of my life with anyone who will pay attention so I'll stop there.
My very, very good friend, who, having experienced a miscarriage herself last year, dropped everything and was there to text, call and even stop by with a gift. She is currently pregnant and didn't show a single sign of exhaustion when offering to do anything, even take on ELH, all the while being pregnant and taking care of her own two kids. She was right on it and even though I didn't know what to do or how to respond, it was wonderful to see her and to hear from her.
My mom was amazing. She took two days off work to stay with me and before she came over from work she had flowers delivered to the house. She took over ELH duties and didn't even allow me to deal with her. She let me cry, yell, make terrible jokes at my own expense and all the while she only wanted to keep knowing what I needed. The ability of other people to put aside themselves for someone else will always amaze me. She even slept on our couch, since we don't have a guestroom, and God knows that wasn't fun or comfortable.
Another good friend was over and spent the afternoon with my mom, assisting her in ELH duty. Yes, it does take two people to care for my child. ha. When she left she gave me a beautiful card, that said such wonderful things, that I, of course cried.
Neighbors sent flowers and stopped over for hugs. Friends sent cards and wrote special messages to me about how much they cared and how sorry they were. A wonderful friend dropped off a gift and a card all without ever knocking on the door. I received a very helpful book, dropped off at my door and a pie, homemade, left on my doorstep. To know that someone took the time to think of me, share their love and their time with me, to even take time out of the busy schedule to bake for me, it was all there and filled my heart each time.
There was even two of my client/friends who sent me flowers, which was a whole other surprise when you think about who was taking the time to care for you. My biggest surprise was a beautiful arrangement with chocolates and a bath time kit from a DJ company that I had worked for, that was owned by two wonderful people that I knew. What really made it all SO amazing was realizing I had so many caring, loving, thoughtful and supportive people in my life. It wasn't what they did or what they said, it was just that they were doing something. Even just getting emails from people, sometimes from people I spoke with on a regular basis and some emails from people I'd hardly spoken to since high school. It was amazing and I am telling you, every single email, call, card it helped heal a small piece of my heart. It made the world seem brighter and easier to deal with and it gave me, just a few minutes, to think about joy and love, instead of emptiness and pain.
Suggestions
Okay, so now I will say that if you are reading this because someone you know and love has experienced a miscarriage and you are wondering what you can do, I have a few suggestions. Really, I would say it is awfully hard to go "wrong" but some things are better than others.
Cards- I loved every card I received but the cards that I loved most were the ones that mentioned how much someone cared, how they were there for me and how they would do anything, if I needed them to. I appreciated the "I'm sorry for your Loss" cards but the friendship/support cards made me smile, knowing I had someone wonderful in my life. I personally found one card at a store that said "I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage" and then when you opened it, it said "At least now you can drink!" While I don't think I would have found it to be funny, had someone sent it to me I did laugh in the store when I read it. I then immediately wondered, WHO in their right mind WOULD send that to someone......still wondering.
Gifts- Easily the best gift for me was the candles. I love them, I love that they smell good and I love having them, so those win. I'm sure there are a million things that you could give, but keep it small and keep it thoughtful. It is much better to receive something and understand why someone purchased it for you, then to receive something and realize someone spent way too much on you. No pressure though, everyone is different, so you never know.
Memories- I ordered myself a charm to remember my loss. I don't know if you want to go so far as to get something to represent their loss (although it is a really moving gift) or even books about their loss, maybe if you are close, maybe if there is something you know they would like. I did receive a journal to write in through my loss and I found this to be extremely thoughtful as it allowed me to make it whatever I wanted.
"How can I help?" or "What can I do?"
"Call me anytime if you want to talk."
My Response
Well first, and from the very bottom of my heart I want to thank my husband for all he did. For putting aside his pain to deal with mine. For putting aside his wants/needs to help me pull through. For not getting enough time to recover before having to head back to work, yet still coming home ready to "help" in anyway he can. I could go on and on, but ABH isn't a fan of my deep desire to share all of the details of my life with anyone who will pay attention so I'll stop there.
My very, very good friend, who, having experienced a miscarriage herself last year, dropped everything and was there to text, call and even stop by with a gift. She is currently pregnant and didn't show a single sign of exhaustion when offering to do anything, even take on ELH, all the while being pregnant and taking care of her own two kids. She was right on it and even though I didn't know what to do or how to respond, it was wonderful to see her and to hear from her.
My mom was amazing. She took two days off work to stay with me and before she came over from work she had flowers delivered to the house. She took over ELH duties and didn't even allow me to deal with her. She let me cry, yell, make terrible jokes at my own expense and all the while she only wanted to keep knowing what I needed. The ability of other people to put aside themselves for someone else will always amaze me. She even slept on our couch, since we don't have a guestroom, and God knows that wasn't fun or comfortable.
Another good friend was over and spent the afternoon with my mom, assisting her in ELH duty. Yes, it does take two people to care for my child. ha. When she left she gave me a beautiful card, that said such wonderful things, that I, of course cried.
Neighbors sent flowers and stopped over for hugs. Friends sent cards and wrote special messages to me about how much they cared and how sorry they were. A wonderful friend dropped off a gift and a card all without ever knocking on the door. I received a very helpful book, dropped off at my door and a pie, homemade, left on my doorstep. To know that someone took the time to think of me, share their love and their time with me, to even take time out of the busy schedule to bake for me, it was all there and filled my heart each time.
There was even two of my client/friends who sent me flowers, which was a whole other surprise when you think about who was taking the time to care for you. My biggest surprise was a beautiful arrangement with chocolates and a bath time kit from a DJ company that I had worked for, that was owned by two wonderful people that I knew. What really made it all SO amazing was realizing I had so many caring, loving, thoughtful and supportive people in my life. It wasn't what they did or what they said, it was just that they were doing something. Even just getting emails from people, sometimes from people I spoke with on a regular basis and some emails from people I'd hardly spoken to since high school. It was amazing and I am telling you, every single email, call, card it helped heal a small piece of my heart. It made the world seem brighter and easier to deal with and it gave me, just a few minutes, to think about joy and love, instead of emptiness and pain.
Suggestions
Okay, so now I will say that if you are reading this because someone you know and love has experienced a miscarriage and you are wondering what you can do, I have a few suggestions. Really, I would say it is awfully hard to go "wrong" but some things are better than others.
Cards- I loved every card I received but the cards that I loved most were the ones that mentioned how much someone cared, how they were there for me and how they would do anything, if I needed them to. I appreciated the "I'm sorry for your Loss" cards but the friendship/support cards made me smile, knowing I had someone wonderful in my life. I personally found one card at a store that said "I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage" and then when you opened it, it said "At least now you can drink!" While I don't think I would have found it to be funny, had someone sent it to me I did laugh in the store when I read it. I then immediately wondered, WHO in their right mind WOULD send that to someone......still wondering.
Flowers- I loved them all, everyone one of them from the very small to the VERY large, they were all just so wonderful to receive. There isn't a wrong way or a wrong budget. If you want to send flowers but only have $20 in your budget for them, they will still be the best flowers someone can get. Just something nice and bright to see in the house. The only issue is that they wilt and die, which is sad when you are going through a loss. Something ridiculous that I wouldn't have thought of, but I was sad to have to throw any of them away as they started wilting. With that mention of flowers, I will share the photos of all of the beautiful flowers that made their way to my home.
Food- Send a pizza over if you don't cook, if you do just drop something off. The key here is that everyone that dropped something off, just dropped it off and left. I wasn't up for company and I didn't want to try and hold back tears or fake smiles in order to show how much I DID appreciate what they were doing. It is so hard to show how grateful you are for something when your heart is constantly breaking. Pie, cookies, dinner, snacks it doesn't matter.
Gifts- Easily the best gift for me was the candles. I love them, I love that they smell good and I love having them, so those win. I'm sure there are a million things that you could give, but keep it small and keep it thoughtful. It is much better to receive something and understand why someone purchased it for you, then to receive something and realize someone spent way too much on you. No pressure though, everyone is different, so you never know.
Memories- I ordered myself a charm to remember my loss. I don't know if you want to go so far as to get something to represent their loss (although it is a really moving gift) or even books about their loss, maybe if you are close, maybe if there is something you know they would like. I did receive a journal to write in through my loss and I found this to be extremely thoughtful as it allowed me to make it whatever I wanted.
Calls- I didn't want to talk, I couldnt' talk and I ended up with 19 messages by the end of the week, most of which I couldn't even listen to all the way through. I didn't call everyone back, even now I think I've only returned half of the calls. I don't know what to say to people and I don't know how I'll handle talking about it, so I just don't. I'm sure that some people have found this to be a bit rude, which I'm sure it is, but that's as good as it can get for now. When you do get to talk, I wanted people to just let me talk, ramble, cry and go on and I really just needed them to listen. There isn't anything you can say to make it better, so you are better off not trying. I liked people that asked questions, it made me feel like they were paying attention and caring. Some people may not like the invasion of privacy, so you'll have to decide that for yourself.
Emails- Obviously, the easiest thing you can do. Quick, painless and free. I'm a pretty religious person so the emails that go me were the emails where people would write out the prayer that they were saying for me. It meant so much and it felt as though, they were with me and praying for me right as I read it. It was wonderful. My favorite was this-
"Heavenly Father, your ways are hidden from our eyes, comfort, we pray you, these parents who grieve at the loss of their baby. Grant them grace to face the future with courage and gallantry and strength to do your will. Please dry their tears and strengthen their faith in You, who are the source of all goodness and love. .Amen."
Not into prayers here are the very easy, basic, simple things to say-"I'm sorry."
"I'm here if you need me."
"Let me know what I can do."
"Let's get together for coffee and talk, whenever you are ready."
"Dinner? Drinks?""How can I help?" or "What can I do?"
"Call me anytime if you want to talk."
I even had people email me and ask if they could help by talking about something else or asking if I'd be interested in hearing about xyz or abc. It was fun, distractions are helpful.
Here is what you need to know during this time. The pain from this loss is HUGE, regardless of how far along someone was, how many kids they already have or even how much faith they have in God. The pain is a new pain, something you've never felt before, so your ability to function, respond and react are all thrown off. I kept trying to figure out all of these new feelings, all the while trying to figure out how to deal with them, explain them to others and then process them so that I could get past them. I'm telling you very honestly, there is no way to describe it, no way to understand it, not until you've gone through it. Some people will be fine in a week, some people need months. It isn't fair to EVER suggest or assume someone should be "over it" by a certain time. You can't just "get over it" but TRUST ME if you could, you would. This isn't pain you want to carry, these aren't feelings you want to relive day after day, so never think that someone who is suffering through this loss is "dragging it out" too long. ALL you want is for the pain to stop, for the thoughts to stop for the feelings to let go, nothing would be better than to just move on. Some people can and some people can't but don't ever try to judge. Even if a person just found out they were pregnant and then lost the baby a week later, you don't know how they feel, how they felt, what they felt, so they may be in more pain than someone who miscarried at 3 months. You just don't know.
I had my ultrasound at 9 weeks, saw the baby, introduced ELH to the baby and even had a chance to see the baby move his/her head to turn it to the side. That moment was everything to me, my heart was full, my life was full and my hope for the future was full. From that day on, I talked with the baby, I sang to the baby, ELH sang to the baby, ABH would talk to the baby and rub my stomach to relax the baby. The day of my miscarriage was also the day of my Nuchal Translucency Screening. I had waited the longest 2 weeks ever, for this chance to see my baby again. I was excited for this day, ready to meet the little one and to drag ELH along so she could meet him/her again as well. We never made it to that appointment, obviously. The point is, that's where I was when I lost the baby, you don't know where anyone is when they experience that loss. How excited they might be, how scared they might be, how happy or sad, so don't ever try to guess and never, ever, try to write off their feelings or tell them to "get over it." Ever.
If any good came from it, I want nothing more than to be there for someone if they go through this. I want to drop everything and care for them, love them and hug them. Now that I know this pain, now that I've experienced it, I want someone else to know that it will eventually be okay and that people care. That's what you can do for someone, just care and be there and, if they let you, hug them. You may want to ask about the hug first before attempting anything.
This is far from the end of the journey. I've got lots going on and I have a whole line up of women who have offered to share their stories of loss and how they handled things.
Want something to read?
Post Miscarriage
Well, this one is going to take a while to complete so I'm going to work on it for a few days...
Home
We left the hospital and got home pretty late. Thankfully my mom was there with ELH and she offered to sleep over so that she would be here in the AM to take care of ELH in case I wasn't up to it. Which I wasn't, at all. I didn't cry, I didn't do much of anything except go right to bed. I wanted to sleep and while I was still groggy from the surgery I needed to take full advantage of feeling "tired" because I knew otherwise I would never fall asleep. Alex went right to bed too and my mom took care of putting ELH to bed. I am absolutely so thankful that she was here to handle all of that because there was no way I could have. At some point during this process I text messaged a few of my closest friends and told them. Trust me, I know "text" is the absolute worst way to handle this, but I couldn't call and I needed "support" so it was the only way. Text messages came in and everyone said everything they could to help. It all helped, I just needed people to tell me I would be okay.
The Next Day
I woke up, miserable, sad, depressed and exhausted. My mom was there to take care of ELH but I just wanted to be with her so I ended up handling getting her up. It felt good to hold her but at the same time it made me sad to be missing out on the baby that I had just lost. The pain that women must feel when they do not have a child to hold, after losing another one, must be immense. I talked with my mom, I needed to go over every detail, to make sure it really happened. I had to tell her everything and I knew she was having a hard time hearing it, but I needed to get it out of me. I cried and cried and then realized that my mom was suffering as much as I was, so I text messaged my friend to ask her to come over and help too. That way my mom was too stressed out and I could just relax.
So many thoughts went through my head, crazy things too, trust me. I'll try to get a few of them out so that you can be in my mind for those moments.
"What if the DR had been wrong and the baby was okay?"
"What if I can't ever have another baby?"
"What if I'm totally freaking out and other people don't freak out as much?"
"What if I'm never okay again?"
"What will I do now? What SHOULD I do now"
"Am I not sad enough?"
"Am I doing too much/not enough?"
I kept thinking about how I would be pregnant at Thanksgiving or Christmas and our perfectly planned baby would be here in April, the perfect month since no one had a birthday in April and there were limited holidays for him/her to have to share with his/her birthday month.
I kept thinking about each cramp and what it meant, kept seeing blood and wondering what it was from.
I wondered how Alex was managing to handle being at work when I couldn't handle being at home.
I was annoyed by ELH being hyper and loud and I was miserable with myself for being mean to my child, the one I had given birth to when I was so upset about the baby I lost. It was emotional to say the least.
Feelings
I tried to keep busy, the details of what I did aren't important but how I felt is what mattered to me. We all went down to dinner and the entire time I was sitting there half of my mind was spinning and the other half was trying to block out all the thoughts that were going through my head. I just kept thinking about NOT being pregnant. I wanted to rub my belly and I'd find myself doing it and then realize, all over again, that I was no longer pregnant. I ordered a glass of wine and realized, all over again, that the only reason I could order a glass of wine was because...well, I was no longer pregnant. And each time, it was like the experience was happening all over again. It went on like this for days. Just out of nowhere, something would remind me and I'd feel like I was hearing the news for the first time again.
Honestly, I can't even really remember too much of what I did for the next few days. It was as if I wasn't really present for anything, just going through the motions. The part of me that couldn't deal with anything was staying in bed, but the rest of me was up, doing whatever had to happen, whatever I was supposed to do, just trying to survive the days as they dragged on. Worst could be that this entire time, I'm trying to move on from it, but still in so much pain. Then I'd be in more pain but wishing I could just "get over it" and I couldn't. I wanted everything to go back to "normal" but without being pregnant, it wasn't going to. I had to start all over again. I didn't have the energy to but at the same time I didn't have any choice. I will say it is the most awful, confusing, exhausting, stressful, depressing and miserable time. Trying to understand, trying to accept, trying to move on, trying to remember, trying to forget it just never stops.
So there is that craziness, I think I've even blocked some of it out. I know there were times where I would just burst out sobbing and other times where I wouldn't even think of it and I'd smile my way through 10 or 15 minutes of the day.
Good did come from all of this. In my next post I'd like to share all of the wonderful things that people said, did and offered. Not only as a way to thank them but also as a way to help the friends and family who don't know what to do for another woman who may be going through a loss. There were so many things, little and big that helped me through each hard moment. That's next.
Need something to read-
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1)
Silent Grief: Miscarriage-Child Loss: Finding Your Way Through the Darkness
A Piece of My Heart: Living Through the Grief of Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death
Always Precious in Our Memory: Reflections After Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Neonatal Death (Grief Resources)
Home
We left the hospital and got home pretty late. Thankfully my mom was there with ELH and she offered to sleep over so that she would be here in the AM to take care of ELH in case I wasn't up to it. Which I wasn't, at all. I didn't cry, I didn't do much of anything except go right to bed. I wanted to sleep and while I was still groggy from the surgery I needed to take full advantage of feeling "tired" because I knew otherwise I would never fall asleep. Alex went right to bed too and my mom took care of putting ELH to bed. I am absolutely so thankful that she was here to handle all of that because there was no way I could have. At some point during this process I text messaged a few of my closest friends and told them. Trust me, I know "text" is the absolute worst way to handle this, but I couldn't call and I needed "support" so it was the only way. Text messages came in and everyone said everything they could to help. It all helped, I just needed people to tell me I would be okay.
The Next Day
I woke up, miserable, sad, depressed and exhausted. My mom was there to take care of ELH but I just wanted to be with her so I ended up handling getting her up. It felt good to hold her but at the same time it made me sad to be missing out on the baby that I had just lost. The pain that women must feel when they do not have a child to hold, after losing another one, must be immense. I talked with my mom, I needed to go over every detail, to make sure it really happened. I had to tell her everything and I knew she was having a hard time hearing it, but I needed to get it out of me. I cried and cried and then realized that my mom was suffering as much as I was, so I text messaged my friend to ask her to come over and help too. That way my mom was too stressed out and I could just relax.
So many thoughts went through my head, crazy things too, trust me. I'll try to get a few of them out so that you can be in my mind for those moments.
"What if the DR had been wrong and the baby was okay?"
"What if I can't ever have another baby?"
"What if I'm totally freaking out and other people don't freak out as much?"
"What if I'm never okay again?"
"What will I do now? What SHOULD I do now"
"Am I not sad enough?"
"Am I doing too much/not enough?"
I kept thinking about how I would be pregnant at Thanksgiving or Christmas and our perfectly planned baby would be here in April, the perfect month since no one had a birthday in April and there were limited holidays for him/her to have to share with his/her birthday month.
I kept thinking about each cramp and what it meant, kept seeing blood and wondering what it was from.
I wondered how Alex was managing to handle being at work when I couldn't handle being at home.
I was annoyed by ELH being hyper and loud and I was miserable with myself for being mean to my child, the one I had given birth to when I was so upset about the baby I lost. It was emotional to say the least.
Feelings
I tried to keep busy, the details of what I did aren't important but how I felt is what mattered to me. We all went down to dinner and the entire time I was sitting there half of my mind was spinning and the other half was trying to block out all the thoughts that were going through my head. I just kept thinking about NOT being pregnant. I wanted to rub my belly and I'd find myself doing it and then realize, all over again, that I was no longer pregnant. I ordered a glass of wine and realized, all over again, that the only reason I could order a glass of wine was because...well, I was no longer pregnant. And each time, it was like the experience was happening all over again. It went on like this for days. Just out of nowhere, something would remind me and I'd feel like I was hearing the news for the first time again.
Honestly, I can't even really remember too much of what I did for the next few days. It was as if I wasn't really present for anything, just going through the motions. The part of me that couldn't deal with anything was staying in bed, but the rest of me was up, doing whatever had to happen, whatever I was supposed to do, just trying to survive the days as they dragged on. Worst could be that this entire time, I'm trying to move on from it, but still in so much pain. Then I'd be in more pain but wishing I could just "get over it" and I couldn't. I wanted everything to go back to "normal" but without being pregnant, it wasn't going to. I had to start all over again. I didn't have the energy to but at the same time I didn't have any choice. I will say it is the most awful, confusing, exhausting, stressful, depressing and miserable time. Trying to understand, trying to accept, trying to move on, trying to remember, trying to forget it just never stops.
So there is that craziness, I think I've even blocked some of it out. I know there were times where I would just burst out sobbing and other times where I wouldn't even think of it and I'd smile my way through 10 or 15 minutes of the day.
Good did come from all of this. In my next post I'd like to share all of the wonderful things that people said, did and offered. Not only as a way to thank them but also as a way to help the friends and family who don't know what to do for another woman who may be going through a loss. There were so many things, little and big that helped me through each hard moment. That's next.
Need something to read-
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1)
Silent Grief: Miscarriage-Child Loss: Finding Your Way Through the Darkness
A Piece of My Heart: Living Through the Grief of Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death
Always Precious in Our Memory: Reflections After Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Neonatal Death (Grief Resources)
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Hospital
Well, we are finally here, to the end of the process, the hospital. I hope I do this experience justice because when you are heading in for the D&C, you have no idea what you are getting into and I'd like to at least help one woman, not go in totally unprepared. Registering
We got to Hillcrest, where I was supposed to have gone for a tour of the maternity unit, where I would be giving birth, not where I was going to go to lose my baby. That was my first thought at least. Here I was, at this new place, wondering around, looking like a crazy person. Thankfully my husband looked presentable and was much more put together. We got to the registration desk and I gave her my name and of course she asked the "question" I didn't want to answer. "What are you here for?" I said "I'm here for the D&C procedure as I just had a miscarriage." I got ready to cry but knew I just wanted to finish this process so I held it in. She said I wasn't in the system yet and she told me to have a seat. We sat down and I cried. I explained to Alex that I didn't want to be here and didn't want to do this. He asked me if I'd like to go home, which of course, annoyed me so I stopped crying to yell at him for asking such a terrible question. Thankfully, before I could continue to be mean to him, she called my name. I registered and she told me where to go next. We started walking and I started crying, hard. In the middle of the walkway, in front of everyone in the lobby I sobbed. Alex hugged me and just let me cry. I told him I couldn't do it, I could go through with it, I wanted this baby, I wanted to be having the baby, not having it removed. I stopped sobbing long enough to realize I needed to at least get out of the way and start walking.
We reached the surgery department and they told me to have a seat to wait for my name to be called. They gave Alex a buzzer (like at a restaurant) and told them that after I went in, they would buzz him when he was able to come in. At this statement I cried and told Alex I couldn't go in and do this alone. We went and sat down as Alex tried to figure out how to sneak in with me so I would calm down. We sat next to two people who were talking about their neighbor and I sobbed. They didn't even look at me (thank God) they just kept talking as we sat and waited. Then they called my name.
The Room
The nurse brought me back and told me I would wait in the room but first I needed to change into a hospital gown, with nothing else. I explained to her that I was bleeding so she told me I could wear hospital underwear and a pad. I asked if I could just keep my own, but you can't go into surgery with anything from your home. I got a pair of white, mesh, one size fits all, hospital underpants, which were ridiculous and at least gave me a laugh.
She came back in and asked me about my miscarriage. She told me I was handling it better than "some" women that come in for a D&C and then went on to explain to me how, even though she's never had one, she can't imagine it is really that hard, since you don't bond with your baby until they are born. OF COURSE I wanted to slap her right across the face, but I was to exhausted to even deal with it, so I let her continue with her explanation on how a miscarriage isn't "that big of a deal" while she put in my IV. Thankfully the pain of the IV insertion allowed me to forget about how awful this woman was.
Finally, she stopped telling me how easy this was going to be and left the room. Alex came a few minutes later and I did feel better but I certainly didn't feel good.
2pm- We are waiting and talking (random nurses stop by, interns come in and I use the restroom)
3pm- We are waiting and talking and I'm crying (I've used the restroom again and more random DR have stopped by)
4pm- We are waiting and talking, I've now stopped crying and then I realize that while I'm SUPER annoyed that I've been sitting in this room alone for so long, this is the first time Alex and I have had "alone" time with absolutely nothing to do and I tell him that it is almost "nice" for us to have the time together, alone, it is just too bad it has to be under these circumstances.
5pm- Yes, we are now into my 3rd hour of being there when a nurse comes in and explains that there has been a large number of women coming in to deliver their babies (no, I don't cry when she says this) and that the DR got busy and we'll now have to wait for the next shift to start. The DR should be in soon and we should be in surgery by 6:30pm. At this point I do yell a bit and tell her that I'd be happy to let the janitor perform the procedure if that would mean it would just be over finally. She does not find this to be funny and tells me that someone very qualified must perform this, not just anyone. I tell her I was kidding, she still didn't find it funny. Typing it now, I don't think it is very funny either...
6:20pm- Mind you these hours DRAG by and are really tormenting me but I'm trying my best here to calm down and relax. It isn't easy but when the DR finally comes in, I am beyond thrilled. He's a wonderful man, calm, handsome and very organized. He doesn't ask stupid questions, he just sits down and explains what is about to happen, how long it will take and how I'll feel. His name is Dr. Andersen and he works at the Cleveland Clinic office in Independence. He's just amazing. Once he's through, he says that we are going to head back.
6:30pm- The nurse comes to roll me back. She's very friendly and makes jokes as we roll along. She rolls me all the way to surgery and ALMOST rolls me into the wrong room, where a surgery is taking place. I find this to be a bit stressful but before I can even think of how horrible that would have been, we are in my room.
The anesthesiologist comes over and speaks to me through her mask. I find it odd I never see her face but she continues to tell me what she's about to do and that everything will be over soon. Hmm, I guess that's good. The room is bright and white and they have to strap my arms down as well as "buckle" me in to the bed. I do explain to them that I didn't plan on trying to escape, so I didn't know if all this was necessary and they then explain to me that it is standard. My biggest dread is having to put my feet into those stirrups, you know the ones at the office. I just can't imagine having to get all situated like that in order for them to take out the baby. Then I see all the equipment they use for the D&C and I wished at that minute I hadn't looked around, it is nothing good to see. Then the oxygen mask goes on and in a few quick seconds I am out cold. I have one final thought before I fall asleep and that was "Thank God I can finally stop thinking about this."
9:00pm- Yes, the D&C takes 20 minutes but the time it takes to wake from anesthesia varies from person to person. It obviously took me a while. They tell you that you have to drink water, walk and urinate before they can release you from the hospital. In a matter of minutes I have had water and am walking to the bathroom to urinate. All I want to do is go home. The nurse comes back and is shocked I'm up and walking around. She ask me if I'd like to leave and I tell her that I would like to leave this second. She said the DR would like to see you before you leave and I tell her that if he's not available immediately, I would just as well prefer to head home and he can call me. She agrees and we head out in the mandatory wheelchair. Alex pulls the car around and we are off.
That's it. I leave "empty" and that's the only word I have to describe how I felt. It wasn't sad, it wasn't angry, it wasn't depressed, it was "empty." Not the way you think, not in a way I've ever felt before but I felt as though everything I had that mattered was gone. I know that wasn't the case, but that's how my heart, soul and body felt. Empty.
Now for the emotional roller coaster starts and I'll save that for another section. Post miscarriage was dreadful and awful.
Looking for something to read?
Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart
Our Stories of Miscarriage: Healing With Words
What Was Lost: A Christian Journey Through Miscarriage
Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy
Run to You:: A Guide Through Miscarriage
For my Memory
Something I've ordered for myself that I'm very excited to receive.
Footprints on my Heart -- Glass Tile Pendant
If you've had a recent miscarriage or the loss of a little loved one, this is wonderful and affordable. I've had the date of my miscarriage added to the back of the pendant.
If you'd like to order one from etsy. Please go here http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry?ref=seller_info
There are lots of options to choose from.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
After the Appointment
I'll have to be really honest here, this isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I'm not traumatized from writing, it is just that sometimes I start thinking it would be easier to not write about this. It isn't that I'm not an open person, but I do feel like I'm sharing seriously intimate details with, well, anyone in the world. BUT, I will say that from the comments I've received I know that these post will someday help someone going through the same thing I did and that makes it totally worth it. So, on we go.
The Ride Home
Well, the DR explained all the details to us as I sat there. You can do one of three things when you miscarry. You can wait for your body to "expel" (his words, not mine) the baby naturally, which involves bleeding and cramping. You can have medicine inserted vaginally to expedite the process which involves serious cramping and heavy bleeding. Third option is a D&C and when you are as far along as I was, this is the option they recommend. For those of you reading who have NO idea what a D&C is (God bless you) here is an actual definition since I know I can't explain it properly. Be forewarned, this isn't a pretty picture
Well, I didn't have nor did I WANT that choice. Was he kidding? Naturally just wait for my body to remove the baby? Bleeding & cramping, no thanks AND to make matters worse, my only thought was "Are you SERIOUSLY thinking of sending me home with this baby still inside me?"
We go over all these details and then he says he can possible schedule me for a D&C tomorrow. TOMORROW? Really? I get to go home, sit all day with my baby, sleep all night and wake up still "pregnant" to come in tomorrow. Ouch.
Of course, I was of no mind to argue, so I tell him I'll call the office later to schedule. He does say that if my bleeding and cramping get worse, I can head right into ER for the surgery. He also tells me he'll cancel any of my scheduled appointments in the office and once again assures me it wasn't my fault and tells me he's sorry.
The Ride Home
Well, the DR explained all the details to us as I sat there. You can do one of three things when you miscarry. You can wait for your body to "expel" (his words, not mine) the baby naturally, which involves bleeding and cramping. You can have medicine inserted vaginally to expedite the process which involves serious cramping and heavy bleeding. Third option is a D&C and when you are as far along as I was, this is the option they recommend. For those of you reading who have NO idea what a D&C is (God bless you) here is an actual definition since I know I can't explain it properly. Be forewarned, this isn't a pretty picture
D&C, also known as dilation and curettage, is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. Dilation means to open up the cervix; curettage means to remove the contents of the uterus. Curettage may be performed by scraping the uterine wall with a curette instrument or by a suction curettage (also called vacuum aspiration), using a vacuum-type instrument.
If you have a miscarriage before the end of your first trimester, they recommend that you do not have a D&C as your body will naturally remove the contents of your uterus with minimal pain & bleeding.
Well, I didn't have nor did I WANT that choice. Was he kidding? Naturally just wait for my body to remove the baby? Bleeding & cramping, no thanks AND to make matters worse, my only thought was "Are you SERIOUSLY thinking of sending me home with this baby still inside me?"
We go over all these details and then he says he can possible schedule me for a D&C tomorrow. TOMORROW? Really? I get to go home, sit all day with my baby, sleep all night and wake up still "pregnant" to come in tomorrow. Ouch.
Of course, I was of no mind to argue, so I tell him I'll call the office later to schedule. He does say that if my bleeding and cramping get worse, I can head right into ER for the surgery. He also tells me he'll cancel any of my scheduled appointments in the office and once again assures me it wasn't my fault and tells me he's sorry.
That's it. Then I'm done, just like that. It is like testing postive for strep. You go in, your sick, you leave. Except I had a baby, that had just died, was bleeding and cramping and hysterical. Couldn't I just stay there for a few days?
Somehow we make it out to the car, as I cry in the front office, on the elevator (loaded with people, of course). I cry out the door and in the car. People stare at me, I realized that while I was crying and I did feel a small obligation to stop, as to not make everyone I passed terribly uncomfortable, but I couldn't manage.
The Car Ride
Somehow we make it out to the car, as I cry in the front office, on the elevator (loaded with people, of course). I cry out the door and in the car. People stare at me, I realized that while I was crying and I did feel a small obligation to stop, as to not make everyone I passed terribly uncomfortable, but I couldn't manage.
The Car Ride
My husband, God love him, didn't say much but just tried to comfort me. I think he deserves the most credit for basically putting his feelings aside and focusing all his energy on making me better. I couldn't have done it for him, so the strength and love he showed for me was tremendous. As you guessed, I cried on the way home. I cried when we got home and I asked him to leave me in the car. I sat in the car, cried and wished I could stay in the car forever. It was quiet, nothing was going on in the car, it seemed comfortable. A few minutes passed, as I cried and my husband brough me out a bottle of water and then asked me to come in. I couldn't move if I tried, so I stayed, and I cried. A few more minutes later and he came out to ask me to "please" come in. I'm sure it was odd that I was sitting alone in our driveway, but at that point I didn't want to move, so I stayed.
My First Call
My First Call
Oh, how I dreaded this and needed this all at the same time. Like most girls, I needed my Momma but I did NOT want to tell her. She had been so excited for us (as we were SO excited to get pregnant) and now I had to tell her the bad news WHILE she was at work. Ugh. I stopped crying long enough to dial the phone, it took me about 12 tries to get the number right, finally I got through. I took a deep breath as she said hello and I said "Mom, we lost the baby today." Oh, those words, they killed me. It was pain like I've never felt. "Mom, we lost the baby today." That's all I heard myself say. Even now....
My mom had the immediate "mom" response and of course told me she was so sorry and then asked what she could do. I went into all the details and I cried and cried again. She told me if I needed her to come out, she could be out anytime. I told her I wanted to go to bed, but would talk later.
My mom had the immediate "mom" response and of course told me she was so sorry and then asked what she could do. I went into all the details and I cried and cried again. She told me if I needed her to come out, she could be out anytime. I told her I wanted to go to bed, but would talk later.
Back Inside
Phew, the walk from the car to the house was rough but I made it. Went inside and went to bed. At this point, half my morning is a blur but I do remember that I started to (shocker) get heavy bleeding and awful cramps. Great. As if the whole situation wasn't enough. Every cramp reminded me that I had lost the baby and every time I would bleed I would think/wonder how much of that was from the baby.
I called the DR office and explained that I couldn't wait until tomorrow and that I needed to get in today and get this procedure. Really, to add to it, I didn't want to sit at home and think about the baby still being in there. I wanted it out and I wanted it all over. I started wondering how many women, wait for that appointment and what do they feel? How do they handle knowing the baby has died, but still having to carry it for a few more days.
The Nurse told me she would call me back. I told her it was urgent so to please call back soon. She said she knew it was, so she would call in a few minutes. She did and she told me to head to the hospital and go to registration for surgery. Well, you know at the sound of the word "hospital" and "surgery" I cried. Of course. My immediate thought was, "What if the DR was wrong, what if the baby is okay?" And then I remembered back to the picture frozen on the ultrasound screen and even though I hated seeing it, I knew what I saw and it wasn't a healthy, active or alive baby. It was my baby, that I had seen move its head just 2 weeks earlier at my first ultrasound. My baby that I had talked to, that my daughter had sung "Twinkle, Twinkle" to, that my husband had lovingly rubbed and talked with, that we had told everyone about, that we had immediately loved the second I peed on that stick and saw those two lines.
Phew, the walk from the car to the house was rough but I made it. Went inside and went to bed. At this point, half my morning is a blur but I do remember that I started to (shocker) get heavy bleeding and awful cramps. Great. As if the whole situation wasn't enough. Every cramp reminded me that I had lost the baby and every time I would bleed I would think/wonder how much of that was from the baby.
I called the DR office and explained that I couldn't wait until tomorrow and that I needed to get in today and get this procedure. Really, to add to it, I didn't want to sit at home and think about the baby still being in there. I wanted it out and I wanted it all over. I started wondering how many women, wait for that appointment and what do they feel? How do they handle knowing the baby has died, but still having to carry it for a few more days.
The Nurse told me she would call me back. I told her it was urgent so to please call back soon. She said she knew it was, so she would call in a few minutes. She did and she told me to head to the hospital and go to registration for surgery. Well, you know at the sound of the word "hospital" and "surgery" I cried. Of course. My immediate thought was, "What if the DR was wrong, what if the baby is okay?" And then I remembered back to the picture frozen on the ultrasound screen and even though I hated seeing it, I knew what I saw and it wasn't a healthy, active or alive baby. It was my baby, that I had seen move its head just 2 weeks earlier at my first ultrasound. My baby that I had talked to, that my daughter had sung "Twinkle, Twinkle" to, that my husband had lovingly rubbed and talked with, that we had told everyone about, that we had immediately loved the second I peed on that stick and saw those two lines.
My baby, but just not alive.
Ugh, my heart broke as I thought about what would come next but I knew, I had no other choice. I couldn't just ignore it, I could wish it away or hope it would get better. This was it.
So, as we gathered ELH to go to the sitters to wait for my mom to pick her up, we hugged and my husband tried to comfort me but at this point it wasn't happening. I remember saying, "I just want this all over" and I did, but I didn't. I wanted my baby to be okay, but I didn't have that choice so we just kept moving. I didn't change, I didn't try to "look pretty" or at this point, even nice. I did catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and until you've cried as hard and as long as I did, you have no idea how awful you can look. My face was swollen, my eyes were swollen and red, it wasn't pretty. Of course, I didn't care but I'd just like to note that I looked crazy.
Alex took ELH to the sitter and I stayed alone. Ahh, finally more time to cry. Which is what I did. Then I sat on the porch and waited. He pulled in and he was ready to go and I was ready to go, just not quite ready to let go.
So, as we gathered ELH to go to the sitters to wait for my mom to pick her up, we hugged and my husband tried to comfort me but at this point it wasn't happening. I remember saying, "I just want this all over" and I did, but I didn't. I wanted my baby to be okay, but I didn't have that choice so we just kept moving. I didn't change, I didn't try to "look pretty" or at this point, even nice. I did catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and until you've cried as hard and as long as I did, you have no idea how awful you can look. My face was swollen, my eyes were swollen and red, it wasn't pretty. Of course, I didn't care but I'd just like to note that I looked crazy.
Alex took ELH to the sitter and I stayed alone. Ahh, finally more time to cry. Which is what I did. Then I sat on the porch and waited. He pulled in and he was ready to go and I was ready to go, just not quite ready to let go.
Well, now we have to move ahead to the Hospital. That will be our next post, with all the details that I can handle sharing.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
My Miscarriage.
I suppose, we should start from the beginning. The "day" that changed everything about how I thought about pregnancy, babies, my body and my family.
Sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but it was.
Monday, September 20th (12 weeks along, up until now healthy, happy, exhausting pregnancy)
I woke up at 6am to a tiny 3 year old trying to snuggle up to me in bed. As we snuggled, I realized I had just some tiny cramping and felt the need to go to the bathroom. I told ELH we would do our morning potty and then head downstairs. All of this, while Daddy quietly slept next to us.
We went in for our "morning potty" and I sat down to pee and then wiped. ELH looked down and said "Oh no Momma, what happened?" I didn't have the slighest clue what she could be referring to, until I looked down and saw blood on the toilet paper.
Never something you want to see during pregnancy. My heart immediately dropped and for some reason, at that minute, I knew.
I yelled for my husband (who is still sound asleep in bed) and yelled again. I told ELH to go and get her Daddy, so she stayed by my side and just yelled along with me. Not what I meant, but still helpful. I finally had the energy to let out one more yell and knew it would be my last.
My husband rushed in, saw and his head fell. He said "You know, it will be fine, I'm sure it is nothing." Which is what he needed to say for him and for me. ELH is still by my side asking me what was wrong. I didn't know what to tell her at this point, but I knew what I was going to have to tell her.
The Wait
At this point, I'm wiping a bit more to see, more blood. I'm nervous, shaking and terrified of what this could mean. I realize that it is only 6am, the DR office doesn't open until 8am. I already know that's going to be 2 of the longeset hours of my life. I cry, and tell my husband I need to go to the ER. What else do I do? I can't wait this out. Right? My husband refers to the internet to inform me of the 100's of things that could be going on, all of which are NOT a miscarriage. But I knew.
I realized I wasn't going to head into the ER for a 2 hour wait for someone to see me, so I laid in bed and tried to relax. Of course, I wasn't relaxing, my head was spinning, I was crying and trying to figure out who I could call, who could help and what to do. I did nothing. Nothing for 2 of the longest hours I could have ever imagined. Just waiting. My husband tried to calm me, tried to entertain ELH but it didn't matter what was going on, I was NOT okay. I knew I was not okay and waiting made it worse. I did manage a text to a friend who I knew had gone through this very thing. She text back quickly and told me to calm down, relax and call the DR when the office opened. So I did, well I didn't calm down or relax but I did wait to call. Just waited....
The Call
8am SHARP- I call the DR office.
8:01am- ringing
8:02am- answer but immediately put on hold
8:03am- receptionist answers and I explain my situation, as calmly as I can to her. She listens and tells me to hold again. She comes back to say that I can head into the office for an appointment at 9am. I assume she did not understand what I said, so I explain to her again that I'm bleeding, 12 weeks pregnant and freaking out. She puts me on hold again.
8:04am- receptionist returns to tell me that 9am is the first appointment they have available and that she does understand, but that's the first appointment they have since I'll need an ultrasound.
8:05am- I hang up and decide it is time to leave for the appointment, even if it is only 15 minutes away. I realize that this is too early but at the same time I need to do something, just to feel as though I'm trying to fix this.
8:15am- we actually leave. I suggest we stop and get ELH some markers and a coloring book for the appointment, so that she will have something to do. Nine dollars later we have a Toy Story coloring book and a set of markers for ELH. She's thrilled, I'm sweating.
8:45am- we arrive for the appointment. Thankfully there aren't any pregnant women in the office for me to stare at while I am sobbing. Phew.
The Appointment
The nurse weighs me, no weight gain. I know what that means at 12 weeks. She takes my blood pressure and ask me how I'm doing. Out of habit, I say that I'm fine, she smiles and tells me to head into the ultrasound room, get undressed from the waist down. Since I'm bleeding she lays down a giant "pad" on the DR table. Initally this totally freaks me out, since I'm not bleeding that bad, but I understand. Then we wait.
The DR comes in and since he's not my regular DR he introduces himself and ask me what the problem is. I explain to him that I've had some light bleeding, minimal cramping and that I'm a bit nervous right now. He says there is nothing to worry about, he will do that ultrasound. He explains that it may take a few minutes to check things out and for me not to get nervous.
A few minutes go by and he assures me he's just checking things out, nothing to worry about.
A few more minutes, maybe 2 go by and then he looks at me, with that look, and I know.
He turns the screen so that I can finally see what he is seeing from the ultrasound.
My heart stops, my breathing stops, the world stops.
The DR says- "I'm sorry, as you can see here is the baby, and it is not moving and I'm unable to find a heartbeat." "I'm sorry to tell you but the baby is no longer alive."
Just.
like.
that.
Twelve weeks, 100 belly rubs, too many cravings, an aversion to peanut butter, excessive peeing, sleepless nights and just like that, nothing.
I stare at the screen, and there, right in front of me, is the lifeless form of a very small baby. I stare and stare and I can promise you that at least an hour went by (in my mind) and then the DR puts his hand on my knee and says "This is not your fault." Well, I hadn't thought it was but I still couldn't move. He tells my husband and me that he is going to give us a few minutes to come to terms with the loss.
As he leaves my side and the door closes I sob. Sob so hard my body shakes and I feel as if I will never stop. Sob so much that my daughter comes to my side and begs me to "Please stop crying Momma." The room is spinning and I'm sobbing. I look to the screen to see my baby, there frozen on the screen, not moving and no heartbeat and I sob. I can't think of anything but I can't stop crying. At this point I'm not even sure what is going on, but I'm crying. My husband is at my side and I can't even begin to think about how he is feeling, I just need to cry. I feel sadness that I've never known, pain that I've never felt and I just cry. I cry loud and I cry hard and I don't stop. I can't tell you for how long, maybe 5 minutes, maybe 15 but when the DR walks back into the room I stop because now I need to know what is next.
What happens next is explained and in my next post I'll continue from here to tell you all what happens and everything we go through on that day.........
Sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but it was.
Monday, September 20th (12 weeks along, up until now healthy, happy, exhausting pregnancy)
I woke up at 6am to a tiny 3 year old trying to snuggle up to me in bed. As we snuggled, I realized I had just some tiny cramping and felt the need to go to the bathroom. I told ELH we would do our morning potty and then head downstairs. All of this, while Daddy quietly slept next to us.
We went in for our "morning potty" and I sat down to pee and then wiped. ELH looked down and said "Oh no Momma, what happened?" I didn't have the slighest clue what she could be referring to, until I looked down and saw blood on the toilet paper.
Never something you want to see during pregnancy. My heart immediately dropped and for some reason, at that minute, I knew.
I yelled for my husband (who is still sound asleep in bed) and yelled again. I told ELH to go and get her Daddy, so she stayed by my side and just yelled along with me. Not what I meant, but still helpful. I finally had the energy to let out one more yell and knew it would be my last.
My husband rushed in, saw and his head fell. He said "You know, it will be fine, I'm sure it is nothing." Which is what he needed to say for him and for me. ELH is still by my side asking me what was wrong. I didn't know what to tell her at this point, but I knew what I was going to have to tell her.
The Wait
At this point, I'm wiping a bit more to see, more blood. I'm nervous, shaking and terrified of what this could mean. I realize that it is only 6am, the DR office doesn't open until 8am. I already know that's going to be 2 of the longeset hours of my life. I cry, and tell my husband I need to go to the ER. What else do I do? I can't wait this out. Right? My husband refers to the internet to inform me of the 100's of things that could be going on, all of which are NOT a miscarriage. But I knew.
I realized I wasn't going to head into the ER for a 2 hour wait for someone to see me, so I laid in bed and tried to relax. Of course, I wasn't relaxing, my head was spinning, I was crying and trying to figure out who I could call, who could help and what to do. I did nothing. Nothing for 2 of the longest hours I could have ever imagined. Just waiting. My husband tried to calm me, tried to entertain ELH but it didn't matter what was going on, I was NOT okay. I knew I was not okay and waiting made it worse. I did manage a text to a friend who I knew had gone through this very thing. She text back quickly and told me to calm down, relax and call the DR when the office opened. So I did, well I didn't calm down or relax but I did wait to call. Just waited....
The Call
8am SHARP- I call the DR office.
8:01am- ringing
8:02am- answer but immediately put on hold
8:03am- receptionist answers and I explain my situation, as calmly as I can to her. She listens and tells me to hold again. She comes back to say that I can head into the office for an appointment at 9am. I assume she did not understand what I said, so I explain to her again that I'm bleeding, 12 weeks pregnant and freaking out. She puts me on hold again.
8:04am- receptionist returns to tell me that 9am is the first appointment they have available and that she does understand, but that's the first appointment they have since I'll need an ultrasound.
8:05am- I hang up and decide it is time to leave for the appointment, even if it is only 15 minutes away. I realize that this is too early but at the same time I need to do something, just to feel as though I'm trying to fix this.
8:15am- we actually leave. I suggest we stop and get ELH some markers and a coloring book for the appointment, so that she will have something to do. Nine dollars later we have a Toy Story coloring book and a set of markers for ELH. She's thrilled, I'm sweating.
8:45am- we arrive for the appointment. Thankfully there aren't any pregnant women in the office for me to stare at while I am sobbing. Phew.
The Appointment
The nurse weighs me, no weight gain. I know what that means at 12 weeks. She takes my blood pressure and ask me how I'm doing. Out of habit, I say that I'm fine, she smiles and tells me to head into the ultrasound room, get undressed from the waist down. Since I'm bleeding she lays down a giant "pad" on the DR table. Initally this totally freaks me out, since I'm not bleeding that bad, but I understand. Then we wait.
The DR comes in and since he's not my regular DR he introduces himself and ask me what the problem is. I explain to him that I've had some light bleeding, minimal cramping and that I'm a bit nervous right now. He says there is nothing to worry about, he will do that ultrasound. He explains that it may take a few minutes to check things out and for me not to get nervous.
A few minutes go by and he assures me he's just checking things out, nothing to worry about.
A few more minutes, maybe 2 go by and then he looks at me, with that look, and I know.
He turns the screen so that I can finally see what he is seeing from the ultrasound.
My heart stops, my breathing stops, the world stops.
The DR says- "I'm sorry, as you can see here is the baby, and it is not moving and I'm unable to find a heartbeat." "I'm sorry to tell you but the baby is no longer alive."
Just.
like.
that.
Twelve weeks, 100 belly rubs, too many cravings, an aversion to peanut butter, excessive peeing, sleepless nights and just like that, nothing.
I stare at the screen, and there, right in front of me, is the lifeless form of a very small baby. I stare and stare and I can promise you that at least an hour went by (in my mind) and then the DR puts his hand on my knee and says "This is not your fault." Well, I hadn't thought it was but I still couldn't move. He tells my husband and me that he is going to give us a few minutes to come to terms with the loss.
As he leaves my side and the door closes I sob. Sob so hard my body shakes and I feel as if I will never stop. Sob so much that my daughter comes to my side and begs me to "Please stop crying Momma." The room is spinning and I'm sobbing. I look to the screen to see my baby, there frozen on the screen, not moving and no heartbeat and I sob. I can't think of anything but I can't stop crying. At this point I'm not even sure what is going on, but I'm crying. My husband is at my side and I can't even begin to think about how he is feeling, I just need to cry. I feel sadness that I've never known, pain that I've never felt and I just cry. I cry loud and I cry hard and I don't stop. I can't tell you for how long, maybe 5 minutes, maybe 15 but when the DR walks back into the room I stop because now I need to know what is next.
What happens next is explained and in my next post I'll continue from here to tell you all what happens and everything we go through on that day.........
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