Home
We left the hospital and got home pretty late. Thankfully my mom was there with ELH and she offered to sleep over so that she would be here in the AM to take care of ELH in case I wasn't up to it. Which I wasn't, at all. I didn't cry, I didn't do much of anything except go right to bed. I wanted to sleep and while I was still groggy from the surgery I needed to take full advantage of feeling "tired" because I knew otherwise I would never fall asleep. Alex went right to bed too and my mom took care of putting ELH to bed. I am absolutely so thankful that she was here to handle all of that because there was no way I could have. At some point during this process I text messaged a few of my closest friends and told them. Trust me, I know "text" is the absolute worst way to handle this, but I couldn't call and I needed "support" so it was the only way. Text messages came in and everyone said everything they could to help. It all helped, I just needed people to tell me I would be okay.
The Next Day
I woke up, miserable, sad, depressed and exhausted. My mom was there to take care of ELH but I just wanted to be with her so I ended up handling getting her up. It felt good to hold her but at the same time it made me sad to be missing out on the baby that I had just lost. The pain that women must feel when they do not have a child to hold, after losing another one, must be immense. I talked with my mom, I needed to go over every detail, to make sure it really happened. I had to tell her everything and I knew she was having a hard time hearing it, but I needed to get it out of me. I cried and cried and then realized that my mom was suffering as much as I was, so I text messaged my friend to ask her to come over and help too. That way my mom was too stressed out and I could just relax.
So many thoughts went through my head, crazy things too, trust me. I'll try to get a few of them out so that you can be in my mind for those moments.
"What if the DR had been wrong and the baby was okay?"
"What if I can't ever have another baby?"
"What if I'm totally freaking out and other people don't freak out as much?"
"What if I'm never okay again?"
"What will I do now? What SHOULD I do now"
"Am I not sad enough?"
"Am I doing too much/not enough?"
I kept thinking about how I would be pregnant at Thanksgiving or Christmas and our perfectly planned baby would be here in April, the perfect month since no one had a birthday in April and there were limited holidays for him/her to have to share with his/her birthday month.
I kept thinking about each cramp and what it meant, kept seeing blood and wondering what it was from.
I wondered how Alex was managing to handle being at work when I couldn't handle being at home.
I was annoyed by ELH being hyper and loud and I was miserable with myself for being mean to my child, the one I had given birth to when I was so upset about the baby I lost. It was emotional to say the least.
Feelings
I tried to keep busy, the details of what I did aren't important but how I felt is what mattered to me. We all went down to dinner and the entire time I was sitting there half of my mind was spinning and the other half was trying to block out all the thoughts that were going through my head. I just kept thinking about NOT being pregnant. I wanted to rub my belly and I'd find myself doing it and then realize, all over again, that I was no longer pregnant. I ordered a glass of wine and realized, all over again, that the only reason I could order a glass of wine was because...well, I was no longer pregnant. And each time, it was like the experience was happening all over again. It went on like this for days. Just out of nowhere, something would remind me and I'd feel like I was hearing the news for the first time again.
Honestly, I can't even really remember too much of what I did for the next few days. It was as if I wasn't really present for anything, just going through the motions. The part of me that couldn't deal with anything was staying in bed, but the rest of me was up, doing whatever had to happen, whatever I was supposed to do, just trying to survive the days as they dragged on. Worst could be that this entire time, I'm trying to move on from it, but still in so much pain. Then I'd be in more pain but wishing I could just "get over it" and I couldn't. I wanted everything to go back to "normal" but without being pregnant, it wasn't going to. I had to start all over again. I didn't have the energy to but at the same time I didn't have any choice. I will say it is the most awful, confusing, exhausting, stressful, depressing and miserable time. Trying to understand, trying to accept, trying to move on, trying to remember, trying to forget it just never stops.
So there is that craziness, I think I've even blocked some of it out. I know there were times where I would just burst out sobbing and other times where I wouldn't even think of it and I'd smile my way through 10 or 15 minutes of the day.
Good did come from all of this. In my next post I'd like to share all of the wonderful things that people said, did and offered. Not only as a way to thank them but also as a way to help the friends and family who don't know what to do for another woman who may be going through a loss. There were so many things, little and big that helped me through each hard moment. That's next.
Need something to read-
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1)
Silent Grief: Miscarriage-Child Loss: Finding Your Way Through the Darkness
A Piece of My Heart: Living Through the Grief of Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death
Always Precious in Our Memory: Reflections After Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Neonatal Death (Grief Resources)
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