It Doesn't Just Go Away

I'm writing this amidst tears.  I don't feel like calling anyone for support or trying to find a friend for a hug but I need to get it out.
It doesn't just go away.  Every time I think it does, it pops back up and the longer I go and the better I feel the more random the times are that it creeps up on me and makes me sad.

I'll admit it, I want a baby, badly.  I wanted to be pregnant this month, my first month with the chance to become pregnant and instead my period came, right on time.  I took three pregnancy test, even though I was never even late.  I just hoped.  It was silly but it made me feel better to take them, making myself believe there was a chance I might be pregnant.  I've never "wanted" a baby.  I didn't plan on my first, nor was I in any position to even start thinking about wanting one, so it is just a different situation here.  I don't love this feeling all that much.  It is weird because I don't want to have it, it is just hard and my heart breaks for women who live with this feeling their whole lives, I don't know how they do it.

I've made it, I know at one point it was worse (I can read all about it on my blog).  I don't cry daily, I don't think of my dying baby every time I touch my stomach.  I don't feel sick at the idea of getting pregnant.  So, I know that in that sense, I'm doing better.  Otherwise, I feel like I'm doing worse.

I found ELH's Christmas blanket that said "Baby's First Christmas 2007" and I cried.  I just thought of that first Christmas with her and how excited I was to be with this new baby for his/her first Christmas next year.

We had a wonderful Christmas card sent out last year and this year I was so excited to have the photos taken with my pregnant belly.  Now, I can't bring myself to even send a Christmas card because it breaks my heart to try and do it "without my baby" as part of the picture.  So, I cry thinking about Christmas cards.

We have an annual Christmas party that I can bear to hold this year.  I won't be pregnant, it won't be right to have it.  I know that it isn't fair to ELH, to not enjoy everything with her, I'm trying but the party isn't happening.  I was going to be pregnant this Christmas and enjoying, eating all the yummy things that come along with throwing the Christmas party.  Now I'm not pregnant, so...well, I cry.

I was at Starbucks today and I overheard a woman greet an older man behind me.  I turned to check out their conversation (I'm nosey) and she starts to congratulate the older man on finally becoming a grandpa and he says "Oh, no, the baby didn't make it, they lost it at 13 weeks, so no, not a grandpa yet." The woman was so upset and apologized and the older man was polite but to see his heartbreak was, well heartbreaking.  Fortunately, I was in public with someone I didn't know well enough to break down sobbing in front of, so I held it all in.  I went home and cried instead.

There are moments like this all the time, just random times, random things and I cry.  I wish that I didn't, wish that I wasn't but I am and I do.  I'm trying not to right now but my heart hurts and I'm frustrated.  I'm frustrated that I'm so sad, that I'm still sad and that I'm not more grateful for what I DO have.  I don't want to be so sad.  Who does though?  I want to understand that "miscarriages happen" and that people survive them and move on, daily.  That isn't happening right now though, so I'm sad and I cry.