My Miscarriage.

I suppose, we should start from the beginning.  The "day" that changed everything about how I thought about pregnancy, babies, my body and my family.
Sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but it was.

Monday, September 20th (12 weeks along, up until now healthy, happy, exhausting pregnancy)
I woke up at 6am to a tiny 3 year old trying to snuggle up to me in bed.  As we snuggled, I realized I had just some tiny cramping and felt the need to go to the bathroom.  I told ELH we would do our morning potty and then head downstairs.  All of this, while Daddy quietly slept next to us. 
We went in for our "morning potty" and I sat down to pee and then wiped.  ELH looked down and said "Oh no Momma, what happened?"  I didn't have the slighest clue what she could be referring to, until I looked down and saw blood on the toilet paper. 
Never something you want to see during pregnancy.  My heart immediately dropped and for some reason, at that minute, I knew. 
I yelled for my husband (who is still sound asleep in bed) and yelled again.  I told ELH to go and get her Daddy, so she stayed by my side and just yelled along with me.  Not what I meant, but still helpful.  I finally had the energy to let out one more yell and knew it would be my last. 
My husband rushed in, saw and his head fell.  He said "You know, it will be fine, I'm sure it is nothing." Which is what he needed to say for him and for me.  ELH is still by my side asking me what was wrong.  I didn't know what to tell her at this point, but I knew what I was going to have to tell her.

The Wait
At this point, I'm wiping a bit more to see, more blood.  I'm nervous, shaking and terrified of what this could mean.  I realize that it is only 6am, the DR office doesn't open until 8am.  I already know that's going to be 2 of the longeset hours of my life.  I cry, and tell my husband I need to go to the ER.  What else do I do?  I can't wait this out.  Right?  My husband refers to the internet to inform me of the 100's of things that could be going on, all of which are NOT a miscarriage.  But I knew. 
I realized I wasn't going to head into the ER for a 2 hour wait for someone to see me, so I laid in bed and tried to relax.  Of course, I wasn't relaxing, my head was spinning, I was crying and trying to figure out who I could call, who could help and what to do.  I did nothing.  Nothing for 2 of the longest hours I could have ever imagined.  Just waiting.  My husband tried to calm me, tried to entertain ELH but it didn't matter what was going on, I was NOT okay.  I knew I was not okay and waiting made it worse.  I did manage a text to a friend who I knew had gone through this very thing.  She text back quickly and told me to calm down, relax and call the DR when the office opened.  So I did, well I didn't calm down or relax but I did wait to call.  Just waited....

The Call
8am SHARP- I call the DR office. 
8:01am- ringing
8:02am- answer but immediately put on hold
8:03am- receptionist answers and I explain my situation, as calmly as I can to her.  She listens and tells me to hold again.  She comes back to say that I can head into the office for an appointment at 9am.  I assume she did not understand what I said, so I explain to her again that I'm bleeding, 12 weeks pregnant and freaking out.  She puts me on hold again.
8:04am- receptionist returns to tell me that 9am is the first appointment they have available and that she does understand, but that's the first appointment they have since I'll need an ultrasound.
8:05am- I hang up and decide it is time to leave for the appointment, even if it is only 15 minutes away.  I realize that this is too early but at the same time I need to do something, just to feel as though I'm trying to fix this.
8:15am- we actually leave.  I suggest we stop and get ELH some markers and a coloring book for the appointment, so that she will have something to do.  Nine dollars later we have a Toy Story coloring book and a set of markers for ELH.  She's thrilled, I'm sweating.
8:45am- we arrive for the appointment.  Thankfully there aren't any pregnant women in the office for me to stare at while I am sobbing.  Phew.

The Appointment
The nurse weighs me, no weight gain.  I know what that means at 12 weeks.  She takes my blood pressure and ask me how I'm doing.  Out of habit, I say that I'm fine, she smiles and tells me to head into the ultrasound room, get undressed from the waist down.  Since I'm bleeding she lays down a giant "pad" on the DR table.  Initally this totally freaks me out, since I'm not bleeding that bad, but I understand.  Then we wait.
The DR comes in and since he's not my regular DR he introduces himself and ask me what the problem is.  I explain to him that I've had some light bleeding, minimal cramping and that I'm a bit nervous right now.  He says there is nothing to worry about, he will do that ultrasound.  He explains that it may take a few minutes to check things out and for me not to get nervous.
A few minutes go by and he assures me he's just checking things out, nothing to worry about. 
A few more minutes, maybe 2 go by and then he looks at me, with that look, and I know.
He turns the screen so that I can finally see what he is seeing from the ultrasound. 
My heart stops, my breathing stops, the world stops.
The DR says- "I'm sorry, as you can see here is the baby, and it is not moving and I'm unable to find a heartbeat."  "I'm sorry to tell you but the baby is no longer alive."
Just.
like.
that.
Twelve weeks, 100 belly rubs, too many cravings, an aversion to peanut butter, excessive peeing, sleepless nights and just like that, nothing.
I stare at the screen, and there, right in front of me, is the lifeless form of a very small baby.  I stare and stare and I can promise you that at least an hour went by (in my mind) and then the DR puts his hand on my knee and says "This is not your fault."  Well, I hadn't thought it was but I still couldn't move.  He tells my husband and me that he is going to give us a few minutes to come to terms with the loss.
As he leaves my side and the door closes I sob.  Sob so hard my body shakes and I feel as if I will never stop.  Sob so much that my daughter comes to my side and begs me to "Please stop crying Momma."  The room is spinning and I'm sobbing.  I look to the screen to see my baby, there frozen on the screen, not moving and no heartbeat and I sob.  I can't think of anything but I can't stop crying.  At this point I'm not even sure what is going on, but I'm crying.  My husband is at my side and I can't even begin to think about how he is feeling, I just need to cry.  I feel sadness that I've never known, pain that I've never felt and I just cry.  I cry loud and I cry hard and I don't stop.  I can't tell you for how long, maybe 5 minutes, maybe 15 but when the DR walks back into the room I stop because now I need to know what is next.

What happens next is explained and in my next post I'll continue from here to tell you all what happens and everything we go through on that day.........