Sadness

I'm still considering sharing my breakdown. I wrote a few times, at my worst times and I think I want to let other people know, the thoughts and the pain that can occur.  I know they were overwhelming, stressful, sad but most of all normal.  I want to make sure that someone else that is going through what I went through, can relate and possibly relax. 

Today I'm just going to write about being sad.  I go days at a time and don't think of it, don't feel anything.  I can find myself thinking that I'm dealing with it, that I've made it through the worst parts of losing the baby.  Then, one day, out of nowhere, the pain and sadness are back.  Back like they were never gone. 

I hate that I can't plan on that, can't prepare for that.  I don't want to feel it, again, after already feeling it in the first place.  After dealing with it before and getting past it.  I don't want it back but then, just out of nowhere it is back.  Sadness, loss, lonely, alone....I feel like no one understands and worse I feel like the person closest to me, doesn't understand.  I hate feeling alienated from my husband.  He doesn't know it, or get it, but I'm trying.  That whole situation is so complicated, I'll wait to write on how I'm handling it, how we are dealing together and apart.

It just seems like so much happens when the feelings come back.  So many things go through my mind, what should have been, could have been, might have been and then I'm just reminded that I'm not pregnant.  There is no baby, so there is nothing.  So then I feel stupid for feeling so badly.  Every feeling that I hadn't felt, I end up feeling.  Every disappointment I didn't think I'd be disappointed about, I end up having. 

It's just frustrating.  You work so hard at something, make so much progress and then, out of nowhere by no fault of your own, it is like you haven't done anything.  I like things to work out how they are supposed to.  Problem = Solution.  Hard Work = Success.  It isn't working that way.  I can pray, read, talk and share and somehow, some days it doesn't feel like I've gotten anywhere past that minute at the DR office when they told me. 

The worst part, the hardest part for me is that life just goes on.  I know you hear it all the time and of course it is cliche but until your world has stopped, you don't know how dreadful it is to have "life just go on."  I want everything to stop so I can deal, so I can suffer but it doesn't.  I want to be able to sit for hours and deal with it, while nothing else goes on.  I don't want to take calls and make plans, I want to be alone and be somewhere, where I deal with this.  It isn't realistic and I imagine that you really can't WANT for life to stop.  Without the plans and the friends and the calls, I'd be worse off, I know.  It is silly to even think that but in being honest, I'll share anything.  Even saying ridiculous things like wishing everything would go away...

I'm in that mood now, I'm not usually.  I'm sad right now but I'm usually happy.  My outlook on the whole situation has been one of learning to grow from this, share with others and help someone else to not feel alone, not feel such a loss, such pain, such sadness.  But then here I sit feeling alone and sad.  It will pass and I'll be "fine" that's just how this goes.  I know it but each time it hits me, I have to start all over again and it hurts.  Each time my heart breaks for my baby and each time I have to take a breath and try and recover.  How many times do I have to go through it?  How long can I really deal with this?  I don't know but I'll keep praying and dealing and reading and sharing and I'll hope that one day I'll have recovered as best as I can.

Clearly, there is a point when this all becomes too much and you work your way into "depression." I realize there is that line and I know it very well but I'm staying away from it, so no worries.  If you feel like you are a bit too close to that line where sadness becomes misery and misery becomes depression then you should share that with someone.  Even if all you do is email me, just share those feelings.  Acknowledge that they are real and that you are having them and they will have less control over you than if you try to hide them. 

It will get better but sometimes it will get worse.  I'm just going to be sure to survive either outcome and move on.