What Now...

Well, here we are, post miscarriage and I'm kind of stuck in a "what now" slump.  I've been cleared to resume "marital activity" and well, we have.  It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, I just try to block out the idea of actually getting pregnant, while we are...umm, engaging in marital activities.  When I do start to think about it, my heart speeds up, I start sweating a little and I get dizzy.  No, really.

I know that I want a baby, clearly that was the plan from the beginning.  I was pregnant with a baby that I wanted to be having, so of course I still want one but a NEW one, that's hard.  If I think of it like that, it makes it worse.  To be pregnant again, to "replace" the lost baby that I had, oh boy does my heart hurt to think of that.  However, if I don't ever get pregnant again, I'll never have another baby.  I know that sounds quite obvious but I have to remind myself that in order to get what I had hoped for, I have to go through it.
We are continuing "marital activity" without any thought to getting pregnant or not and just hoping it happens sometime along the way.  That's the most I can muster right now.  I can't think about how excited I'd be to get pregnant or how scared I'd be again. 

I have a wonderful friend who is pregnant with twins, we both found out we were pregnant around the same time and while you'd think I'd have a harder time dealing with her pregnancy it only brings me joy.  I love seeing the ultrasound photos, I love seeing her belly and just kind of feeling the joy and love she is getting from her experience.  I don't have an ounce of sadness that it isn't me, but definitely disappointment that we aren't going through it together. 

I recently found out another friend was pregnant and that was actually a bit harder, which I thought was weird.  I don't know what it was, but just hearing that someone else was about to experience what I had been hoping to experience made me, well, kind of jealous.  That emotion doesn't occur much in my life, I'm not a jealous person but I had a twinge of it.  I almost couldn't respond in kindness, I had to remind myself that I WAS happy for her, thrilled even.  Didn't enjoy that moment.

So for now, it is just seeing what happens and going with the flow.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't desperate to be pregnant but I'm also scared and nervous so they are evening each other other.  The whole realm of emotions is somehow keeping me sane. 

PS- I don't have a problem mentioning the word sex, but "marital activity" sounds funnier. 
PPS- I will NOT wait to tell people I'm pregnant again.  I wouldn't have made it through my miscarriage, if I would not have gotten all of the support I did.  I'm not "keeping it secret" until it is "safe" to tell.  I find that whole idea to be ridiculous.  Why should you have to hide something you are so overjoyed about?  Especially when, if it happens, you need the MOST support if you lose it?  Seems silly to me.  So, keep posted, you'll be the first (well not the FIRST) to know!