The Ride Home
Well, the DR explained all the details to us as I sat there. You can do one of three things when you miscarry. You can wait for your body to "expel" (his words, not mine) the baby naturally, which involves bleeding and cramping. You can have medicine inserted vaginally to expedite the process which involves serious cramping and heavy bleeding. Third option is a D&C and when you are as far along as I was, this is the option they recommend. For those of you reading who have NO idea what a D&C is (God bless you) here is an actual definition since I know I can't explain it properly. Be forewarned, this isn't a pretty picture
D&C, also known as dilation and curettage, is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. Dilation means to open up the cervix; curettage means to remove the contents of the uterus. Curettage may be performed by scraping the uterine wall with a curette instrument or by a suction curettage (also called vacuum aspiration), using a vacuum-type instrument.
If you have a miscarriage before the end of your first trimester, they recommend that you do not have a D&C as your body will naturally remove the contents of your uterus with minimal pain & bleeding.
Well, I didn't have nor did I WANT that choice. Was he kidding? Naturally just wait for my body to remove the baby? Bleeding & cramping, no thanks AND to make matters worse, my only thought was "Are you SERIOUSLY thinking of sending me home with this baby still inside me?"
We go over all these details and then he says he can possible schedule me for a D&C tomorrow. TOMORROW? Really? I get to go home, sit all day with my baby, sleep all night and wake up still "pregnant" to come in tomorrow. Ouch.
Of course, I was of no mind to argue, so I tell him I'll call the office later to schedule. He does say that if my bleeding and cramping get worse, I can head right into ER for the surgery. He also tells me he'll cancel any of my scheduled appointments in the office and once again assures me it wasn't my fault and tells me he's sorry.
That's it. Then I'm done, just like that. It is like testing postive for strep. You go in, your sick, you leave. Except I had a baby, that had just died, was bleeding and cramping and hysterical. Couldn't I just stay there for a few days?
Somehow we make it out to the car, as I cry in the front office, on the elevator (loaded with people, of course). I cry out the door and in the car. People stare at me, I realized that while I was crying and I did feel a small obligation to stop, as to not make everyone I passed terribly uncomfortable, but I couldn't manage.
The Car Ride
Somehow we make it out to the car, as I cry in the front office, on the elevator (loaded with people, of course). I cry out the door and in the car. People stare at me, I realized that while I was crying and I did feel a small obligation to stop, as to not make everyone I passed terribly uncomfortable, but I couldn't manage.
The Car Ride
My husband, God love him, didn't say much but just tried to comfort me. I think he deserves the most credit for basically putting his feelings aside and focusing all his energy on making me better. I couldn't have done it for him, so the strength and love he showed for me was tremendous. As you guessed, I cried on the way home. I cried when we got home and I asked him to leave me in the car. I sat in the car, cried and wished I could stay in the car forever. It was quiet, nothing was going on in the car, it seemed comfortable. A few minutes passed, as I cried and my husband brough me out a bottle of water and then asked me to come in. I couldn't move if I tried, so I stayed, and I cried. A few more minutes later and he came out to ask me to "please" come in. I'm sure it was odd that I was sitting alone in our driveway, but at that point I didn't want to move, so I stayed.
My First Call
My First Call
Oh, how I dreaded this and needed this all at the same time. Like most girls, I needed my Momma but I did NOT want to tell her. She had been so excited for us (as we were SO excited to get pregnant) and now I had to tell her the bad news WHILE she was at work. Ugh. I stopped crying long enough to dial the phone, it took me about 12 tries to get the number right, finally I got through. I took a deep breath as she said hello and I said "Mom, we lost the baby today." Oh, those words, they killed me. It was pain like I've never felt. "Mom, we lost the baby today." That's all I heard myself say. Even now....
My mom had the immediate "mom" response and of course told me she was so sorry and then asked what she could do. I went into all the details and I cried and cried again. She told me if I needed her to come out, she could be out anytime. I told her I wanted to go to bed, but would talk later.
My mom had the immediate "mom" response and of course told me she was so sorry and then asked what she could do. I went into all the details and I cried and cried again. She told me if I needed her to come out, she could be out anytime. I told her I wanted to go to bed, but would talk later.
Back Inside
Phew, the walk from the car to the house was rough but I made it. Went inside and went to bed. At this point, half my morning is a blur but I do remember that I started to (shocker) get heavy bleeding and awful cramps. Great. As if the whole situation wasn't enough. Every cramp reminded me that I had lost the baby and every time I would bleed I would think/wonder how much of that was from the baby.
I called the DR office and explained that I couldn't wait until tomorrow and that I needed to get in today and get this procedure. Really, to add to it, I didn't want to sit at home and think about the baby still being in there. I wanted it out and I wanted it all over. I started wondering how many women, wait for that appointment and what do they feel? How do they handle knowing the baby has died, but still having to carry it for a few more days.
The Nurse told me she would call me back. I told her it was urgent so to please call back soon. She said she knew it was, so she would call in a few minutes. She did and she told me to head to the hospital and go to registration for surgery. Well, you know at the sound of the word "hospital" and "surgery" I cried. Of course. My immediate thought was, "What if the DR was wrong, what if the baby is okay?" And then I remembered back to the picture frozen on the ultrasound screen and even though I hated seeing it, I knew what I saw and it wasn't a healthy, active or alive baby. It was my baby, that I had seen move its head just 2 weeks earlier at my first ultrasound. My baby that I had talked to, that my daughter had sung "Twinkle, Twinkle" to, that my husband had lovingly rubbed and talked with, that we had told everyone about, that we had immediately loved the second I peed on that stick and saw those two lines.
Phew, the walk from the car to the house was rough but I made it. Went inside and went to bed. At this point, half my morning is a blur but I do remember that I started to (shocker) get heavy bleeding and awful cramps. Great. As if the whole situation wasn't enough. Every cramp reminded me that I had lost the baby and every time I would bleed I would think/wonder how much of that was from the baby.
I called the DR office and explained that I couldn't wait until tomorrow and that I needed to get in today and get this procedure. Really, to add to it, I didn't want to sit at home and think about the baby still being in there. I wanted it out and I wanted it all over. I started wondering how many women, wait for that appointment and what do they feel? How do they handle knowing the baby has died, but still having to carry it for a few more days.
The Nurse told me she would call me back. I told her it was urgent so to please call back soon. She said she knew it was, so she would call in a few minutes. She did and she told me to head to the hospital and go to registration for surgery. Well, you know at the sound of the word "hospital" and "surgery" I cried. Of course. My immediate thought was, "What if the DR was wrong, what if the baby is okay?" And then I remembered back to the picture frozen on the ultrasound screen and even though I hated seeing it, I knew what I saw and it wasn't a healthy, active or alive baby. It was my baby, that I had seen move its head just 2 weeks earlier at my first ultrasound. My baby that I had talked to, that my daughter had sung "Twinkle, Twinkle" to, that my husband had lovingly rubbed and talked with, that we had told everyone about, that we had immediately loved the second I peed on that stick and saw those two lines.
My baby, but just not alive.
Ugh, my heart broke as I thought about what would come next but I knew, I had no other choice. I couldn't just ignore it, I could wish it away or hope it would get better. This was it.
So, as we gathered ELH to go to the sitters to wait for my mom to pick her up, we hugged and my husband tried to comfort me but at this point it wasn't happening. I remember saying, "I just want this all over" and I did, but I didn't. I wanted my baby to be okay, but I didn't have that choice so we just kept moving. I didn't change, I didn't try to "look pretty" or at this point, even nice. I did catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and until you've cried as hard and as long as I did, you have no idea how awful you can look. My face was swollen, my eyes were swollen and red, it wasn't pretty. Of course, I didn't care but I'd just like to note that I looked crazy.
Alex took ELH to the sitter and I stayed alone. Ahh, finally more time to cry. Which is what I did. Then I sat on the porch and waited. He pulled in and he was ready to go and I was ready to go, just not quite ready to let go.
So, as we gathered ELH to go to the sitters to wait for my mom to pick her up, we hugged and my husband tried to comfort me but at this point it wasn't happening. I remember saying, "I just want this all over" and I did, but I didn't. I wanted my baby to be okay, but I didn't have that choice so we just kept moving. I didn't change, I didn't try to "look pretty" or at this point, even nice. I did catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and until you've cried as hard and as long as I did, you have no idea how awful you can look. My face was swollen, my eyes were swollen and red, it wasn't pretty. Of course, I didn't care but I'd just like to note that I looked crazy.
Alex took ELH to the sitter and I stayed alone. Ahh, finally more time to cry. Which is what I did. Then I sat on the porch and waited. He pulled in and he was ready to go and I was ready to go, just not quite ready to let go.
Well, now we have to move ahead to the Hospital. That will be our next post, with all the details that I can handle sharing.
No comments:
Post a Comment