Real Time

Well, this is harder for me to write, than the details of the miscarriage and the details of the D&C, this is what I'm going through, now, for real, everything. 
I think unless you've experienced a miscarriage, this post might not be as easy to follow as the rest, if you are still reading I wish you luck.

I feel awful.  I've dealt with the reality of it, but I can't seem to deal with anything else.  I can't seem to deal with the feelings or emotions that just pop up.  I can't seem to deal with randomly needing to cry or sleep or feeling sick then feeling better.  I want things back to normal, or whatever normal was, I just want that back.  It feels like I'm not in control of anything.  First, I lose the baby now I'm losing my mind.  Or at least that's how it feels.  Worse is that I know I'm not really losing my mind but for some reason I can't control any of the feelings.

I'm tired during the day and then I'm awake all night.  I want to sleep but I hate being in bed, I want to stay awake so I can get something done, but I can't get anything started.  I love ELH and crave her and then I'm annoyed with her and wish she'd leave me alone.  I am grateful for my husband and his patience and then I want him to just go away.  I want everyone to go away but at the same time I need someone to talk to.  When I have someone to talk to, I don't know what to say.  It is dreadful, this process of dealing and recovering. 

I make plans to stay busy, then I dread doing things.  I try to be out and about but then I get tired or miserable and don't enjoy myself.  I manage to go to the gym, workout and then feel awful for the rest of the day instead of feeling good that I got out.  I'm angry for no reason, agitated about nothing and well beyond what most women will consider just a little "moody."

The absolute worst part is that this is all "normal" for post miscarriage struggles and I hate knowing that even more.  What the hell does that mean?  Normal?  How is feeling like this, feeling all over the place, normal??  How is constantly being unsure of what I want, how I feel, what to do and how I am coping with this, NORMAL?!?  I want to be happy, I want to be calm and relaxed, not this, this can't be "normal" because I can't handle it.  This isn't "me", this isn't who I am or who I want to be.  I'm stronger than this, I can deal with bigger things than this, why is this so hard?  Of course I'm sad I lost a child, but I feel as though there has to be a way to understand it and move past it, but that's not how this works.

I pray and I don't hate God for any of this.  It never crossed my mind to be mad at God, or to blame God for this.  God is here with me, through this, he never promised perfect, he just promised support and love, unconditionally.  I'm getting that but at the same time, why isn't it making everything better?  Would it be easier to be angry with God since I'm suffering?  I don't know, but that's not how my relationship with God works, so that's not an option for me.  I keep praying and hoping that something pulls me out of this, pulls me through this but I do keep in mind that God's plan and God's schedule aren't the same as mine.  I would say that, that does frustrate me because I don't want to suffer and morn forever.  I have things to do, people to see, places to you, you know...

I know all about depression and dealing with it.  I don't have any hang-ups with medication and I hope that while other women go through this, they don't either.  At some point you just have to say that you'll take whatever will help.  I won't get into all of that, with me not being a doctor and all, I don't have the knowledge or experience to really explain everything properly.  What I will say is, it doesn't hurt to ask about medications or to start therapy.  Just a few questions to your doctor won't hurt, don't be afraid of asking. 

So, what does my post amount to?  Nothing.  I just needed to be honest, to get these feelings out and to share this with other women, who may be suffering or have suffered.  I want someone to know that it is okay, as I know, it is okay.  The suffering, the sadness, the ups and the downs are all part of the process and even if I can't quite get a handle on them, I understand them and accept them.  I'm trying to stop fighting them, stop pushing everything away and just dealing.  That's definitely harder than you'd think.  I want it all to go away, but that's not how it happens here.  Trying to be patient with myself, with my body and even with God.  I'm not patient, not even a little bit, so even that is harder than it should be. 

My current mood, exhausted.  I've got a headache and what I could possibly consider to be the flu.  I want to go to bed, but I'm tired of being tired.  I'm hoping it gets better and wishing for some type of major distraction so I can stop thinking about it.  I don't think that would help, but I still keep hoping for it.  The one thing getting me through it all is knowing that the pain I felt the minute I knew, is worse than anything I've felt since, so it is getting better, even if I can't see it. 

I hope someone reads this and it helps.  If it doesn't help, I hope you at least know how crazy I am these days and if you see me, you'll know not to move in for a hug :)  I'm not stable so I can't promise anything.  It's funny cause its true.