Well first, and from the very bottom of my heart I want to thank my husband for all he did. For putting aside his pain to deal with mine. For putting aside his wants/needs to help me pull through. For not getting enough time to recover before having to head back to work, yet still coming home ready to "help" in anyway he can. I could go on and on, but ABH isn't a fan of my deep desire to share all of the details of my life with anyone who will pay attention so I'll stop there.
My very, very good friend, who, having experienced a miscarriage herself last year, dropped everything and was there to text, call and even stop by with a gift. She is currently pregnant and didn't show a single sign of exhaustion when offering to do anything, even take on ELH, all the while being pregnant and taking care of her own two kids. She was right on it and even though I didn't know what to do or how to respond, it was wonderful to see her and to hear from her.
My mom was amazing. She took two days off work to stay with me and before she came over from work she had flowers delivered to the house. She took over ELH duties and didn't even allow me to deal with her. She let me cry, yell, make terrible jokes at my own expense and all the while she only wanted to keep knowing what I needed. The ability of other people to put aside themselves for someone else will always amaze me. She even slept on our couch, since we don't have a guestroom, and God knows that wasn't fun or comfortable.
Another good friend was over and spent the afternoon with my mom, assisting her in ELH duty. Yes, it does take two people to care for my child. ha. When she left she gave me a beautiful card, that said such wonderful things, that I, of course cried.
Neighbors sent flowers and stopped over for hugs. Friends sent cards and wrote special messages to me about how much they cared and how sorry they were. A wonderful friend dropped off a gift and a card all without ever knocking on the door. I received a very helpful book, dropped off at my door and a pie, homemade, left on my doorstep. To know that someone took the time to think of me, share their love and their time with me, to even take time out of the busy schedule to bake for me, it was all there and filled my heart each time.
There was even two of my client/friends who sent me flowers, which was a whole other surprise when you think about who was taking the time to care for you. My biggest surprise was a beautiful arrangement with chocolates and a bath time kit from a DJ company that I had worked for, that was owned by two wonderful people that I knew. What really made it all SO amazing was realizing I had so many caring, loving, thoughtful and supportive people in my life. It wasn't what they did or what they said, it was just that they were doing something. Even just getting emails from people, sometimes from people I spoke with on a regular basis and some emails from people I'd hardly spoken to since high school. It was amazing and I am telling you, every single email, call, card it helped heal a small piece of my heart. It made the world seem brighter and easier to deal with and it gave me, just a few minutes, to think about joy and love, instead of emptiness and pain.
Suggestions
Okay, so now I will say that if you are reading this because someone you know and love has experienced a miscarriage and you are wondering what you can do, I have a few suggestions. Really, I would say it is awfully hard to go "wrong" but some things are better than others.
Cards- I loved every card I received but the cards that I loved most were the ones that mentioned how much someone cared, how they were there for me and how they would do anything, if I needed them to. I appreciated the "I'm sorry for your Loss" cards but the friendship/support cards made me smile, knowing I had someone wonderful in my life. I personally found one card at a store that said "I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage" and then when you opened it, it said "At least now you can drink!" While I don't think I would have found it to be funny, had someone sent it to me I did laugh in the store when I read it. I then immediately wondered, WHO in their right mind WOULD send that to someone......still wondering.
Flowers- I loved them all, everyone one of them from the very small to the VERY large, they were all just so wonderful to receive. There isn't a wrong way or a wrong budget. If you want to send flowers but only have $20 in your budget for them, they will still be the best flowers someone can get. Just something nice and bright to see in the house. The only issue is that they wilt and die, which is sad when you are going through a loss. Something ridiculous that I wouldn't have thought of, but I was sad to have to throw any of them away as they started wilting. With that mention of flowers, I will share the photos of all of the beautiful flowers that made their way to my home.
Food- Send a pizza over if you don't cook, if you do just drop something off. The key here is that everyone that dropped something off, just dropped it off and left. I wasn't up for company and I didn't want to try and hold back tears or fake smiles in order to show how much I DID appreciate what they were doing. It is so hard to show how grateful you are for something when your heart is constantly breaking. Pie, cookies, dinner, snacks it doesn't matter.
Gifts- Easily the best gift for me was the candles. I love them, I love that they smell good and I love having them, so those win. I'm sure there are a million things that you could give, but keep it small and keep it thoughtful. It is much better to receive something and understand why someone purchased it for you, then to receive something and realize someone spent way too much on you. No pressure though, everyone is different, so you never know.
Memories- I ordered myself a charm to remember my loss. I don't know if you want to go so far as to get something to represent their loss (although it is a really moving gift) or even books about their loss, maybe if you are close, maybe if there is something you know they would like. I did receive a journal to write in through my loss and I found this to be extremely thoughtful as it allowed me to make it whatever I wanted.
Calls- I didn't want to talk, I couldnt' talk and I ended up with 19 messages by the end of the week, most of which I couldn't even listen to all the way through. I didn't call everyone back, even now I think I've only returned half of the calls. I don't know what to say to people and I don't know how I'll handle talking about it, so I just don't. I'm sure that some people have found this to be a bit rude, which I'm sure it is, but that's as good as it can get for now. When you do get to talk, I wanted people to just let me talk, ramble, cry and go on and I really just needed them to listen. There isn't anything you can say to make it better, so you are better off not trying. I liked people that asked questions, it made me feel like they were paying attention and caring. Some people may not like the invasion of privacy, so you'll have to decide that for yourself.
Emails- Obviously, the easiest thing you can do. Quick, painless and free. I'm a pretty religious person so the emails that go me were the emails where people would write out the prayer that they were saying for me. It meant so much and it felt as though, they were with me and praying for me right as I read it. It was wonderful. My favorite was this-
"Heavenly Father, your ways are hidden from our eyes, comfort, we pray you, these parents who grieve at the loss of their baby. Grant them grace to face the future with courage and gallantry and strength to do your will. Please dry their tears and strengthen their faith in You, who are the source of all goodness and love. .Amen."
Not into prayers here are the very easy, basic, simple things to say-"I'm sorry."
"I'm here if you need me."
"Let me know what I can do."
"Let's get together for coffee and talk, whenever you are ready."
"Dinner? Drinks?""How can I help?" or "What can I do?"
"Call me anytime if you want to talk."
I even had people email me and ask if they could help by talking about something else or asking if I'd be interested in hearing about xyz or abc. It was fun, distractions are helpful.
Here is what you need to know during this time. The pain from this loss is HUGE, regardless of how far along someone was, how many kids they already have or even how much faith they have in God. The pain is a new pain, something you've never felt before, so your ability to function, respond and react are all thrown off. I kept trying to figure out all of these new feelings, all the while trying to figure out how to deal with them, explain them to others and then process them so that I could get past them. I'm telling you very honestly, there is no way to describe it, no way to understand it, not until you've gone through it. Some people will be fine in a week, some people need months. It isn't fair to EVER suggest or assume someone should be "over it" by a certain time. You can't just "get over it" but TRUST ME if you could, you would. This isn't pain you want to carry, these aren't feelings you want to relive day after day, so never think that someone who is suffering through this loss is "dragging it out" too long. ALL you want is for the pain to stop, for the thoughts to stop for the feelings to let go, nothing would be better than to just move on. Some people can and some people can't but don't ever try to judge. Even if a person just found out they were pregnant and then lost the baby a week later, you don't know how they feel, how they felt, what they felt, so they may be in more pain than someone who miscarried at 3 months. You just don't know.
I had my ultrasound at 9 weeks, saw the baby, introduced ELH to the baby and even had a chance to see the baby move his/her head to turn it to the side. That moment was everything to me, my heart was full, my life was full and my hope for the future was full. From that day on, I talked with the baby, I sang to the baby, ELH sang to the baby, ABH would talk to the baby and rub my stomach to relax the baby. The day of my miscarriage was also the day of my Nuchal Translucency Screening. I had waited the longest 2 weeks ever, for this chance to see my baby again. I was excited for this day, ready to meet the little one and to drag ELH along so she could meet him/her again as well. We never made it to that appointment, obviously. The point is, that's where I was when I lost the baby, you don't know where anyone is when they experience that loss. How excited they might be, how scared they might be, how happy or sad, so don't ever try to guess and never, ever, try to write off their feelings or tell them to "get over it." Ever.
If any good came from it, I want nothing more than to be there for someone if they go through this. I want to drop everything and care for them, love them and hug them. Now that I know this pain, now that I've experienced it, I want someone else to know that it will eventually be okay and that people care. That's what you can do for someone, just care and be there and, if they let you, hug them. You may want to ask about the hug first before attempting anything.
This is far from the end of the journey. I've got lots going on and I have a whole line up of women who have offered to share their stories of loss and how they handled things.
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