The response from my post yesterday was amazing. I'm glad that so many of you appreciated my honesty because it was VERY difficult to share. Now that you know how I felt during that time, I want you to know the total truth about how I feel on a regular basis, so that you understand how different those feelings are from my day to day feelings.
First, I LOVE my husband. There is no way, in the world, that I could ask for someone better suited for me. He is absolutely caring and loving and a wonderful father to ELH. During my miscarriage "drama" he did everything he could to help me. On my worst days he went to all the trouble he could to just drag me out of bed and on my best days, he loved me 10 times more than I deserved. He suffered silently while I suffered openly, daily and endlessly. At the end of the day, this miscarriage allowed us to know and love each other in ways we never would have before. I'm not saying I'm thankful for the miscarriage but I'm thankful for what it did for our relationship.
Second, I adore ELH. I love waking up to her little voice, almost, everyday (it all depends on how many times she wakes up in the middle of the night). Her birth changed me in ways that I never, ever thought were possible. She has been the greatest gift to me since, well, my husband. I had never thought that I truly wanted to have children, that part is true, but I have never thought that I didn't want ELH. I've come to love "my family" and clearly with this last pregnancy, I was hoping to grow it a little.
Third, I have a dedicated and strong belief in Jesus Christ as my savior. I don't belong to a church, or have a Bible Study that I attend weekly but I have my own faith, my own journey that I enjoy and celebrate on my own. I am currently finishing my first trip through the Bible (front to back, every single page). I pray regularly and spend each day talking and involving the Lord in my activities and thoughts. Without my faith I wouldn't be the woman, wife, mother, friend that I am today. I've had it since I can remember and I'll keep it until the last day of my life.
Clearly, the three things that I mention most in my most painful times, are three of the most important things that exist in my life. Clearly, the feelings that I felt during my miscarriage pain, is not what I truly feel. So, as you are having your feelings, try to remember what you know as your "total truth." Remember, who you are and what you feel so that when those feelings take over, you will have a strong foundation to see you through the pain.
My strongest feeling about dealing with the miscarriage is to experience the full ranges of emotions that come along with the situation. Allow yourself to be sad, to be angry, to be depressed, to feel everything that comes into your heart and mind. If you try to avoid the feelings or hide them, they will stay in there and you'll never be able to move past the pain. BUT, always remember your "total truths" so that you don't fall into believing what you are feeling. They are just feelings, associated with your loss, not truths that are associated with your day to day life.
I can't write and say that I'm better and that I feel all rainbows and sunshine but I am dealing with it and when you experience a loss like this, "dealing with it" is the best you can do. In the process of dealing with it, you'll need to find someone to talk to too. You'll want to find the right person and if that person doesn't exist, then you'll need to prep the wrong person so they have the right reaction. If your husband isn't understanding (like mine was) you may want to sit him down and tell him that you just need to talk, you need him to listen and you just want him to be there. Some people won't have the reactions you'd hope and some people will do more than you could have ever expected. Don't judge your relationships based on how people react though. Most of the time people won't know what to do or what to say, give them a break and if you can tell them what you need to hear and what you need them to do.
If you don't have anyone to talk to, or you feel like no one understands, I'm here. You can email me and you can tell me your feelings and I won't judge and I'll be there. I had such overwhelming support through my pain that I want to return that support to anyone who needs it. I'm here, so never say that you don't have someone that will understand. You do.
My life. It is different, it has changed and it will never be what it was so I have to move on and be a better person from it, that's the only way to feel good about something so bad.
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