REAL Labor

August 11th- 4am.

I had gotten up to pee, probably six times in the middle of the night, this was typical for my nights. i would stumble from bed to the bathroom, all the lights off, pee (not flush) and head back to bed.  This was my night for the last six months so tonight was no different, until about 4am.
As I'm laying in bed I feel water pour out into my underwear, it was like NOTHING I've felt, so I "knew" what that meant.  I walked to the bathroom, more leaking, and then flipped on the light in the bathroom to figure out what was going on.  

My underwear were covered in a bloody liquid and the toilet had a mix of water/blood that was NOT a comforting sight.
I yelled for my husband, who didn't hear my until my fifth or sixth yell, at which point I was frantic.  He came in and was immediately a little freaked out by the sight of blood during pregnancy (remember our experience with blood during pregnancy) and he went into action to get us going to the hospital.  

We knew that the best idea was to CALL FIRST to Labor & Delivery and let them know we were heading it.  Last time we didn't and you would have thought we were lunatics the way they talked to us about needing to call first.  I was on my phone with one DR and my husband was on the home phone with the hospital.  All asking the same questions, all giving us the same answers.  GET TO THE HOSPITAL.

We woke up our daughter to tell her we were heading to the hospital to "maybe" have her brother and she was thrilled.  I called my friend Margaret who was at our house in 20 minutes and we were headed out the door!  (Special thanks to Margaret for answering her phone at 4am, getting to our house and not once even blinking, about having to be up and with our daughter at this crazy time).  

We had just been to Labor & Delivery the weekend before so when we arrived, they gave us the "look" of you again...but this time I was pretty sure something was going on so I didn't care.  We went into a room and I laid in bed and we waited.  They did an ultrasound and the DR showed me the baby and my bladder and explained to me that I probably just peed myself and that the baby was VERY close to my bladder so it could happen without me realizing it.  I explained to her that I've been peeing for the last 30 years and I was pretty sure I'd know the difference.  She took the cultures in to test to see if it was amniotic fluid or not and we waited.

She came back and told me I was right (of course) and I was in labor.  Then the fun started.

Somehow contractions started coming about 2-3 minutes apart but my cervix refused to open, at all.  The pain was SUPER intense, don't ever let me say that contractions aren't that bad, they are awful.  I was grinding my teeth together so hard that I could have bet they would have cracked at some point.  The DR came in to say they had found bacteria in my urine and that there was a chance that the infection I had, had caused labor and could be spreading to my baby.  Umm, REMEMBER False Labor, that had been the first sign of the bacterial infection...maybe someone should have caught that, right?

The DR's shifts switched, which meant, waiting for the new DR to come in.  She came in and explained to me that I needed a c-section.  Now, I didn't have a birth plan and certainly wasn't a freak about what happened during labor, I didn't even care who delivered the baby but after having a c-section last time, I did NOT want another one.  Of course, I "needed" one though.  I cried, and cried and cried.  I explained to her that I did NOT want it and she explained to me that the infection would spread, as I waited for labor to progress, that I could develop a fever/severe infection at that point, that the blood in my amniotic fluid could be a bad sign and that I was really early to just wait and see how labor went, just in case the baby wasn't fully developed.  Well, I can't say no to that.  I didn't want my baby's health at risk, so a c-section it was.  

Meanwhile, they bring in the epidural team.  Now, the contractions HURT, badly.  I don't remember the epidural hurting last time because I, maybe, just don't remember things clearly.  It hurt this time and after they got the epidural in, they all said "OH".  Umm, "OH" what?  They said that the tube they had inserted was defective and that they needed to take it out and do the epidural AGAIN.  I cried some more and more.  They took out the tube and all discussed how they had never had a defective tube, EVER, before and while I was amazed and thrilled to be the "first" I just wanted the whole thing over with.  FINALLY they got it in, with a "good" tube and I was able to relax.  Well, until it wore off.  Which it did, twice but only on one side of my body.  Pain....

At this point we are only 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant, in the hospital and waiting to have a c-section, that I don't want to have.  DR's are in and out and we are just waiting.  In between my thinking about having a c-section and agreeing to have one, three women got in line for their c-sections before me.  Now, I had to wait even longer.  

False Labor

Friday, August 5th I was in severe pain.  I was up in my bedroom, sobbing, in pain.  I couldn't figure out what or why I was in pain but it was AWFUL pain.  I told my husband who said I might be in labor (what? over a month early, no way) and I said no way.  I went back upstairs and tried to talk myself out of being in pain.  Tried to convince myself that it wasn't as bad as I thought and in between I would be sobbing because of how badly it hurt.


FINALLY, an hour later, we went to the hospital.  


We get to admissions and they said they were short staffed and we'd have to walk ourselves to Labor and Delivery.  It was a long walk and I was in a ton of pain but we managed.  Fortunately, for me, my husband keeps calm during these situations and manages to crack way too many bad jokes for me to think too much about how much pain I'm in.  


We get to Labor & Delivery and they act like I'm "crazy" and that I'm, of course, not in labor.  I get it, that women are crazy during pregnancy but I didn't know one way or another and it wasn't like I was THRILLED to be at the hospital at 1am so they probably could have been a little nicer.  


Went in a room, laid in a bed and waited.  Someone came in to talk to me for a minute and then we waited more.  They finally took some samples and told me I wasn't in labor and my cervix was closed.  That was fine, I was ready to go home at this point (almost two hours later) but then they wanted me to stay, have a Popsicle and see how the baby reacted to the sugar, to make sure he was doing okay too.  What?  I don't even like Popsicle sand at this point I just wanted to go home and go to bed.  Nope, had to eat the Popsicle.  


Another half hour later and they came in to tell me I could go home, that I looked fine and the baby looked fine but that they would send along some of the samples to see if there was any infections, bacteria, etc...


Little did I know..........

ABS Follow Up

My lesson learned here is- always get a second opinion.


I went in for a follow-up ultrasound just a short (LONG) two weeks later with another DR and they found out that the Amniotic Bands, were actually just scar tissue from my previous D&C.  They weren't even in the sac with the baby, so there was never anything to worry about.  That is after two DRs told me that there WAS Amniotic Bands and told me that there was no reason to have a follow up Ultrasound.  


If you want a second (or third) opinion, always ask for it and if you have to demand it.  You'll feel better knowing that you did everything you could, regardless of the results.

Try Not to Worry

How is it, that after everything, people can still say "Try Not to Worry" and expect that to help someone.


First, we had blood work done that showed high levels and based on the high levels that were present there was a chance of spina bifida so I had to go in the very next day for an ultrasound to check out everything.  I had 24 hours of stress and then went into the DR office for them to tell me they couldn't see anything "at this point" in my pregnancy so I should just "Try Not to Worry" about things.  


Now, I went in for an ultrasound because I am measuring 32 weeks and I'm only 27 weeks.  The chances of it being because of anything were slim, so it wasn't a big deal but they just wanted to make sure.  


During the ultrasound for the size issue the nurse stops talking and just starts focusing on hands, feet and mouth photos.  Of course, I knew that was weird and then the DR came in and pulled up five screens on the monitor, didn't talk and just ran through snap shots of these five screens.  As he finishes he says "You have amniotic bands, nothing tangled in them at this point, so TRY NOT TO WORRY." and he walked out. 


Well, of course I freaked out, cried, stressed and ended up yelling at some poor girl who decided to be rude to me at the DR office.  My DR finally calls and explains amniotic bands and what the findings mean.  Here is a quick overview for those of you that don't know and I can bet most of you don't know.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amniotic_band_syndrome

My DR assured me that since there wasn't anything caught in the bands "at the moment" then there wasn't anything to worry about for now.  


WHO can say that to a pregnant woman?  What isn't there to worry about?  I'm worried about everything without any syndrome or problem.  There is a living being inside me, HOW am I supposed to not worry about it?  My other favorite is "Try Not to Think About it."  How is that a possibility?  Somehow I can put being pregnant out of my head?  I know people mean well, but come on.  


Well, I stayed up and cried all night.  Cried because I can't do anything about it, because I can't NOT worry about it, cried because I don't know what to do, because I don't want to just wait and see what happens.  Of course, cried because I'm hormonal is at the top of that list though.  


I head into the DR on Wednesday to do a follow up.  I'm going to request/insist on another ultrasound so that someone can show me what is going on.  I want a DR that will run me through what they are seeing and what that means.  I want to check on the baby one more time and I want them to show me that nothing is or something is, wrong.  


In the meantime, I'm frustrated, sad, stressed, tired, exhausted and miserable.  I think that it was enough to try NOT TO WORRY about this baby not dying (after the last one) and then NOT to worry about this too is just asking a lot.  Don't get me wrong, I know it "could be worse" and there are other women who suffer more, lose more, have less and deal with things I couldn't imagine but for now, this is too much for me, personally.  

40 Weeks Today

It is weird, why I didn't bother "unjoining" the "What to Expect" newsletter after my miscarriage.  I guess I didn't want to do it, didn't want to finalize it and really have to remove everything that reminded me of the pregnancy.  It didn't hurt to see the weeks, well, until now.
Today would have been 40 weeks.  Which means the baby would have, could have, might have been here by now.  
Sometimes you don't know what is wrong but you know something is wrong and today is one of those days.  I knew I was 40 weeks, but I didn't think it would bother me.  I'm pregnant again, I'm blessed with another chance, why would I be bothered.  I can understand if I hadn't gotten pregnant yet, but I am so I'm happy, right?  
It still hurts.  It is still sad and I still miss the baby that never was, that might have been here with me now, as I would have been typing something totally different.  Or, since I started this from my miscarriage, I wouldn't have been typing anything at all.  

I hate admitting this.

After all the time I spent crying, mourning over the loss of my baby it pains me to admit this.  After the months that went by where I was devastated to not be pregnant, I hate admitting this.  However, in keeping with the theme of being totally honest, I have to admit this.
I hate being pregnant.


Yes, there.  I said it, posted it and now people can read that I am an ungrateful, horrible woman who doesn't enjoy carrying a human life inside her body and doesn't appreciate the amazing blessing that it is.


Well, that's not totally true, I do appreciate and I do pray every night to thank the God in heaven above that we were able to have another baby.  I really do.  I hear from friends who still haven't been able to have a baby after losing theirs and it hurts my heart to think of how much that would have killed me.  I'm sad for them mostly because I know the pain each month and they have to experience as I am not having to any longer.  


Yet, here I sit, seriously saying that I hate being pregnant.  HATE IT.  


Why you ask?  Well, I wasn't one of those women who was blessed with magical and beautiful pregnancies.  I'll keep it simple and give you a list of reasons why I hate being pregnant and I think if you can imagine, you'd hate it too.  


1. I can't eat anything without it making me sick.  SICK to my stomach.  Anything.  You name it, I've tried it.  Celery, crackers, toast, watermelon, cake, ice cream, chicken, no really, everything, I've tried it and it doesn't work.  I try to not eat, which then means I'm starving and desperate to eat, so I eat too much and end up more sick.  If someone told me eating grass would help, I would eat it.  I already take Nexium for stomach issues and trust me it does NOTHING while I'm pregnant.  I might as well save myself the money and quit taking it, except I'm too afraid of how much worse I could feel.  Right now, I'm sick, you know what I've had, WATER.


2. I constantly have a headache.  Tylenol doesn't help, I can't take anything else and having a headache, with a toddler, while carrying a baby is dreadful.  I've tried lots of water or exercise or sleep.  Nope, just a headache.


3. My back constantly hurts.  Hurts in ways that it shouldn't hurt when I'm not even big yet.  Back ache all day and all night and stretching and Tylenol doesn't change it.  I've tried drinking more water (I drink tons of water) and I've tried sleeping with different pillows or sitting up, but nothing works.  


4. I am always tired.  Too tired to do anything, too tired to move, too tired to clean and not in a way where I'm just being lazy and making excuses but in a way where keeping my eyes open is so much work that it starts to give me a headache. (see #2)  You think you understand tired but try to figure on, not sleeping all night, then being up all day but that you did sleep all night and yet are somehow still that tired.  Then try a toddler NOT being tired, ever.  


5. I won't get into this too much for the sake of anyone I know reading it, but I pee too much and don't poo ever.  I probably go to the bathroom 20 times a day (from all the water that I keep thinking will help with everything) and I probably poo, once every 20 days.  If you have any idea what that feels like...well, I just hope you don't.  


6. I'm emotional but at all the wrong times.  Something terrible could be going on, I could break my arm and will have no feelings about the situation but then I'll see my daughter sleeping and break down and bawl.  I am angry at my husband for absolutely nothing at times and then others times for everything.  I'm not going to go so far as to say he isn't annoying, but I don't think he's quite as bad as my pregnancy brain is making him seem.  Between being annoyed with him and being sobby over my daughter, I seem like a lunatic. (I'm not saying that I am NOT)  I can't figure out if I'm mad at people for legitimate reasons or if I'm just crazy from being pregnant.  I try to just not talk to people for fear of scaring them off.


At this point, I feel like a horrible human being for posting this, but I needed to get it out.  I've found other women posting things about hating being pregnant but I wanted my two cents out there as well.  So there you have it.  I hate it and best part about it, is that I've got SIX months to go and if I remember correctly from the last pregnancy, it does NOT get better.

Oh Ya, I'm Pregnant.

Well, your first question should be, where is the joy in that title?  Why aren't you jumping up and down?  Throwing a party, screaming or something?  Oddly enough, not a single one of those actions crossed my mind when I found out.  


I took one test, then two, then five and finally thought, "Okay, maybe I could be pregnant."  I called my husband and said "I think I might be pregnant."  He asked why I thought that and I told him that I had taken five pregnancy test, so I thought maybe I was.  He, of course, asked why I wouldn't think I was, and well, you know the answer to that one, right?  


I didn't call everyone, I didn't post it to FB or decide to send out pregnancy announcements.  For the most part, I cried.  The first feeling that I had was dread.  It seemed to be natural, nothing I would have ever considered feeling when I found out I was pregnant, it was just the first feeling I had.  


When I did tell a few people, I found myself crying when they would say "Oh, I'm so excited for you!"  Why were they excited for me?  To suffer loss again, to lose another life, to get pregnant only to lose the pregnancy?  Well, in my book, that's nothing to be excited about.  Of course, I realized they weren't thinking like I was, they were excited, I was just, not.  


I do not mean to sound ungrateful but there is just this immediate reaction I've have after a miscarriage.  Anything you didn't deal with during the loss, you deal with as soon as you find out you have the chance to have a baby again.  It just all pops up and you absolutely can't control it.  


There have already been some scares with this pregnancy so I'm even more on edge.  So far, the baby is alive and growing and that's all I can hope for at this point.  

When you are pregnant and you've never miscarried, the thought crosses your mind but you really don't know what you are thinking.  When you've had a miscarriage and are pregnant again and the thought crosses your mind, you immediately know the sadness, pain and suffering that could come along again and it hurts.  

Excuse My Language

Well, I'm sure not EVERYONE feels this way but while reading www.postsecret.com I came across this little "secret" and oddly it gave me a laugh.  I must emphasize that I do understand that it is odd that it gave me a laugh.

Waiting for a Baby...

I almost feel badly posting this because now that I understand the feeling of wanting to be pregnant, I feel even worse for women who spend years, waiting for a baby.  It took us only a short three months to get pregnant with the previous baby and the day we found out, you would have thought it had taken us years.  I screamed and yelled and jumped and basically made of fool of myself.  Fortunately it was only in front of ELH and ABH, so that was good.  From that point I was so relieved to be done with "trying" that I couldn't stop smiling.  What you might be thinking is that "trying" is the fun part, and it is.  It is the waiting that is the hard part, not the "trying".  I think that's where people get confused when couples complain about having to "try" to get pregnant.


Let me give you a rundown of my typical "trying" month.


How many days until my period start?
How many days long will my period be?
When will I be ovulating?
How much time do I have/what is our schedule when I'm ovulating?
(throughout the month we have the "trying" part but is is extra important during ovulation) 
How many days until my period is supposed to start?
(followed by days of "thinking" I'm getting my period or thinking that I'm pregnant)
All of this is completed by my period of arriving, disappointment, small bouts of depression, then another countdown until my period ends so I can start it all over again.


So, if you can see how it goes, the "trying" is no problem, it is the waiting.  So, when you hear people say they are tired of "trying", truly they are tired of waiting.  Every month, waiting.  Every day, waiting.  


After losing the baby, I wasn't sure I would want to "try" or wait  for anything.  I wanted the baby I had been pregnant with on the due date I was due.  Once I accepted that, that was virtually, no totally impossible, I knew I was heading into the "waiting" game again.  


Month, after month, after month, waiting.  It is saddening, frustrating, depressing, stressful and miserable.  I know it shouldn't be, or it shouldn't be made to feel that way, but try to get pregnant and you'll understand.  Multiple all those feelings, times the amount of time a couple has been "trying" and you might better understand your friends/family members that have been "trying" and you might understand their frustration.  Maybe it will stop you from saying "What's the problem, trying is the FUN part."