It Doesn't Just Go Away

I'm writing this amidst tears.  I don't feel like calling anyone for support or trying to find a friend for a hug but I need to get it out.
It doesn't just go away.  Every time I think it does, it pops back up and the longer I go and the better I feel the more random the times are that it creeps up on me and makes me sad.

I'll admit it, I want a baby, badly.  I wanted to be pregnant this month, my first month with the chance to become pregnant and instead my period came, right on time.  I took three pregnancy test, even though I was never even late.  I just hoped.  It was silly but it made me feel better to take them, making myself believe there was a chance I might be pregnant.  I've never "wanted" a baby.  I didn't plan on my first, nor was I in any position to even start thinking about wanting one, so it is just a different situation here.  I don't love this feeling all that much.  It is weird because I don't want to have it, it is just hard and my heart breaks for women who live with this feeling their whole lives, I don't know how they do it.

I've made it, I know at one point it was worse (I can read all about it on my blog).  I don't cry daily, I don't think of my dying baby every time I touch my stomach.  I don't feel sick at the idea of getting pregnant.  So, I know that in that sense, I'm doing better.  Otherwise, I feel like I'm doing worse.

I found ELH's Christmas blanket that said "Baby's First Christmas 2007" and I cried.  I just thought of that first Christmas with her and how excited I was to be with this new baby for his/her first Christmas next year.

We had a wonderful Christmas card sent out last year and this year I was so excited to have the photos taken with my pregnant belly.  Now, I can't bring myself to even send a Christmas card because it breaks my heart to try and do it "without my baby" as part of the picture.  So, I cry thinking about Christmas cards.

We have an annual Christmas party that I can bear to hold this year.  I won't be pregnant, it won't be right to have it.  I know that it isn't fair to ELH, to not enjoy everything with her, I'm trying but the party isn't happening.  I was going to be pregnant this Christmas and enjoying, eating all the yummy things that come along with throwing the Christmas party.  Now I'm not pregnant, so...well, I cry.

I was at Starbucks today and I overheard a woman greet an older man behind me.  I turned to check out their conversation (I'm nosey) and she starts to congratulate the older man on finally becoming a grandpa and he says "Oh, no, the baby didn't make it, they lost it at 13 weeks, so no, not a grandpa yet." The woman was so upset and apologized and the older man was polite but to see his heartbreak was, well heartbreaking.  Fortunately, I was in public with someone I didn't know well enough to break down sobbing in front of, so I held it all in.  I went home and cried instead.

There are moments like this all the time, just random times, random things and I cry.  I wish that I didn't, wish that I wasn't but I am and I do.  I'm trying not to right now but my heart hurts and I'm frustrated.  I'm frustrated that I'm so sad, that I'm still sad and that I'm not more grateful for what I DO have.  I don't want to be so sad.  Who does though?  I want to understand that "miscarriages happen" and that people survive them and move on, daily.  That isn't happening right now though, so I'm sad and I cry.

What Now...

Well, here we are, post miscarriage and I'm kind of stuck in a "what now" slump.  I've been cleared to resume "marital activity" and well, we have.  It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, I just try to block out the idea of actually getting pregnant, while we are...umm, engaging in marital activities.  When I do start to think about it, my heart speeds up, I start sweating a little and I get dizzy.  No, really.

I know that I want a baby, clearly that was the plan from the beginning.  I was pregnant with a baby that I wanted to be having, so of course I still want one but a NEW one, that's hard.  If I think of it like that, it makes it worse.  To be pregnant again, to "replace" the lost baby that I had, oh boy does my heart hurt to think of that.  However, if I don't ever get pregnant again, I'll never have another baby.  I know that sounds quite obvious but I have to remind myself that in order to get what I had hoped for, I have to go through it.
We are continuing "marital activity" without any thought to getting pregnant or not and just hoping it happens sometime along the way.  That's the most I can muster right now.  I can't think about how excited I'd be to get pregnant or how scared I'd be again. 

I have a wonderful friend who is pregnant with twins, we both found out we were pregnant around the same time and while you'd think I'd have a harder time dealing with her pregnancy it only brings me joy.  I love seeing the ultrasound photos, I love seeing her belly and just kind of feeling the joy and love she is getting from her experience.  I don't have an ounce of sadness that it isn't me, but definitely disappointment that we aren't going through it together. 

I recently found out another friend was pregnant and that was actually a bit harder, which I thought was weird.  I don't know what it was, but just hearing that someone else was about to experience what I had been hoping to experience made me, well, kind of jealous.  That emotion doesn't occur much in my life, I'm not a jealous person but I had a twinge of it.  I almost couldn't respond in kindness, I had to remind myself that I WAS happy for her, thrilled even.  Didn't enjoy that moment.

So for now, it is just seeing what happens and going with the flow.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't desperate to be pregnant but I'm also scared and nervous so they are evening each other other.  The whole realm of emotions is somehow keeping me sane. 

PS- I don't have a problem mentioning the word sex, but "marital activity" sounds funnier. 
PPS- I will NOT wait to tell people I'm pregnant again.  I wouldn't have made it through my miscarriage, if I would not have gotten all of the support I did.  I'm not "keeping it secret" until it is "safe" to tell.  I find that whole idea to be ridiculous.  Why should you have to hide something you are so overjoyed about?  Especially when, if it happens, you need the MOST support if you lose it?  Seems silly to me.  So, keep posted, you'll be the first (well not the FIRST) to know!