I go in for my post-miscarriage check up this week. I'm sure that is what is contributing to all of this "random" sadness. I'm excited to be "cleared" or at least be told that everything is back in working order (and I'm sure my husband is even happier) At the same time its just another reminder, just another appointment, just another visit to the DR that smacks me right in the face and says "You lost the baby, remember?"
Good times, I'm telling you. Good times....
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sadness
I'm still considering sharing my breakdown. I wrote a few times, at my worst times and I think I want to let other people know, the thoughts and the pain that can occur. I know they were overwhelming, stressful, sad but most of all normal. I want to make sure that someone else that is going through what I went through, can relate and possibly relax.
Today I'm just going to write about being sad. I go days at a time and don't think of it, don't feel anything. I can find myself thinking that I'm dealing with it, that I've made it through the worst parts of losing the baby. Then, one day, out of nowhere, the pain and sadness are back. Back like they were never gone.
I hate that I can't plan on that, can't prepare for that. I don't want to feel it, again, after already feeling it in the first place. After dealing with it before and getting past it. I don't want it back but then, just out of nowhere it is back. Sadness, loss, lonely, alone....I feel like no one understands and worse I feel like the person closest to me, doesn't understand. I hate feeling alienated from my husband. He doesn't know it, or get it, but I'm trying. That whole situation is so complicated, I'll wait to write on how I'm handling it, how we are dealing together and apart.
It just seems like so much happens when the feelings come back. So many things go through my mind, what should have been, could have been, might have been and then I'm just reminded that I'm not pregnant. There is no baby, so there is nothing. So then I feel stupid for feeling so badly. Every feeling that I hadn't felt, I end up feeling. Every disappointment I didn't think I'd be disappointed about, I end up having.
It's just frustrating. You work so hard at something, make so much progress and then, out of nowhere by no fault of your own, it is like you haven't done anything. I like things to work out how they are supposed to. Problem = Solution. Hard Work = Success. It isn't working that way. I can pray, read, talk and share and somehow, some days it doesn't feel like I've gotten anywhere past that minute at the DR office when they told me.
The worst part, the hardest part for me is that life just goes on. I know you hear it all the time and of course it is cliche but until your world has stopped, you don't know how dreadful it is to have "life just go on." I want everything to stop so I can deal, so I can suffer but it doesn't. I want to be able to sit for hours and deal with it, while nothing else goes on. I don't want to take calls and make plans, I want to be alone and be somewhere, where I deal with this. It isn't realistic and I imagine that you really can't WANT for life to stop. Without the plans and the friends and the calls, I'd be worse off, I know. It is silly to even think that but in being honest, I'll share anything. Even saying ridiculous things like wishing everything would go away...
I'm in that mood now, I'm not usually. I'm sad right now but I'm usually happy. My outlook on the whole situation has been one of learning to grow from this, share with others and help someone else to not feel alone, not feel such a loss, such pain, such sadness. But then here I sit feeling alone and sad. It will pass and I'll be "fine" that's just how this goes. I know it but each time it hits me, I have to start all over again and it hurts. Each time my heart breaks for my baby and each time I have to take a breath and try and recover. How many times do I have to go through it? How long can I really deal with this? I don't know but I'll keep praying and dealing and reading and sharing and I'll hope that one day I'll have recovered as best as I can.
Clearly, there is a point when this all becomes too much and you work your way into "depression." I realize there is that line and I know it very well but I'm staying away from it, so no worries. If you feel like you are a bit too close to that line where sadness becomes misery and misery becomes depression then you should share that with someone. Even if all you do is email me, just share those feelings. Acknowledge that they are real and that you are having them and they will have less control over you than if you try to hide them.
It will get better but sometimes it will get worse. I'm just going to be sure to survive either outcome and move on.
Today I'm just going to write about being sad. I go days at a time and don't think of it, don't feel anything. I can find myself thinking that I'm dealing with it, that I've made it through the worst parts of losing the baby. Then, one day, out of nowhere, the pain and sadness are back. Back like they were never gone.
I hate that I can't plan on that, can't prepare for that. I don't want to feel it, again, after already feeling it in the first place. After dealing with it before and getting past it. I don't want it back but then, just out of nowhere it is back. Sadness, loss, lonely, alone....I feel like no one understands and worse I feel like the person closest to me, doesn't understand. I hate feeling alienated from my husband. He doesn't know it, or get it, but I'm trying. That whole situation is so complicated, I'll wait to write on how I'm handling it, how we are dealing together and apart.
It just seems like so much happens when the feelings come back. So many things go through my mind, what should have been, could have been, might have been and then I'm just reminded that I'm not pregnant. There is no baby, so there is nothing. So then I feel stupid for feeling so badly. Every feeling that I hadn't felt, I end up feeling. Every disappointment I didn't think I'd be disappointed about, I end up having.
It's just frustrating. You work so hard at something, make so much progress and then, out of nowhere by no fault of your own, it is like you haven't done anything. I like things to work out how they are supposed to. Problem = Solution. Hard Work = Success. It isn't working that way. I can pray, read, talk and share and somehow, some days it doesn't feel like I've gotten anywhere past that minute at the DR office when they told me.
The worst part, the hardest part for me is that life just goes on. I know you hear it all the time and of course it is cliche but until your world has stopped, you don't know how dreadful it is to have "life just go on." I want everything to stop so I can deal, so I can suffer but it doesn't. I want to be able to sit for hours and deal with it, while nothing else goes on. I don't want to take calls and make plans, I want to be alone and be somewhere, where I deal with this. It isn't realistic and I imagine that you really can't WANT for life to stop. Without the plans and the friends and the calls, I'd be worse off, I know. It is silly to even think that but in being honest, I'll share anything. Even saying ridiculous things like wishing everything would go away...
I'm in that mood now, I'm not usually. I'm sad right now but I'm usually happy. My outlook on the whole situation has been one of learning to grow from this, share with others and help someone else to not feel alone, not feel such a loss, such pain, such sadness. But then here I sit feeling alone and sad. It will pass and I'll be "fine" that's just how this goes. I know it but each time it hits me, I have to start all over again and it hurts. Each time my heart breaks for my baby and each time I have to take a breath and try and recover. How many times do I have to go through it? How long can I really deal with this? I don't know but I'll keep praying and dealing and reading and sharing and I'll hope that one day I'll have recovered as best as I can.
Clearly, there is a point when this all becomes too much and you work your way into "depression." I realize there is that line and I know it very well but I'm staying away from it, so no worries. If you feel like you are a bit too close to that line where sadness becomes misery and misery becomes depression then you should share that with someone. Even if all you do is email me, just share those feelings. Acknowledge that they are real and that you are having them and they will have less control over you than if you try to hide them.
It will get better but sometimes it will get worse. I'm just going to be sure to survive either outcome and move on.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Breakdown, maybe.
Where have I been? Knowing how much I enjoy sharing intimate details of my life, why haven't I posted more? Well, I had, what I would consider, a breakdown of sorts. I have everything typed out, everything I was feeling, everything I thought but I'm not sure about posting it. I think it would help, it would help someone to know that their "crazy" thoughts aren't totally crazy but at the same time I'm afraid I do end up coming across as crazy....I'm thinking about posting it but in the meantime, I found this great blog and then found this post that describes exactly what I feel everytime someone ask me when we are going to start trying again...
http://thetsunamimommy.com/2010/10/id-love-another-baby-but/
The blog is great but this post felt like it was written to me....
Enjoy!
http://thetsunamimommy.com/2010/10/id-love-another-baby-but/
The blog is great but this post felt like it was written to me....
Enjoy!
Monday, October 4, 2010
My Purchase
My order came in the mail today and I can say that somehow, receiving this and seeing it here, it made me feel something comfortable. Something like I wasn't just trying to ignore what had happened or that I wasn't going to just push my feeling aside. I am acknowledging this and I have "something" now. Something really wonderful too. I'm so glad I ordered this.
Here is the front
Here is the back (I asked for the item to be personalized)
If you were interested in purchasing one, here is the site that I used
http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry
I'm sure you can find items all over the internet but if you were thinking of getting something, I'm going to suggest that you do. It feels good to have "something."
Here is the front
http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry
I'm sure you can find items all over the internet but if you were thinking of getting something, I'm going to suggest that you do. It feels good to have "something."
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Real Time
Well, this is harder for me to write, than the details of the miscarriage and the details of the D&C, this is what I'm going through, now, for real, everything.
I think unless you've experienced a miscarriage, this post might not be as easy to follow as the rest, if you are still reading I wish you luck.
I feel awful. I've dealt with the reality of it, but I can't seem to deal with anything else. I can't seem to deal with the feelings or emotions that just pop up. I can't seem to deal with randomly needing to cry or sleep or feeling sick then feeling better. I want things back to normal, or whatever normal was, I just want that back. It feels like I'm not in control of anything. First, I lose the baby now I'm losing my mind. Or at least that's how it feels. Worse is that I know I'm not really losing my mind but for some reason I can't control any of the feelings.
I'm tired during the day and then I'm awake all night. I want to sleep but I hate being in bed, I want to stay awake so I can get something done, but I can't get anything started. I love ELH and crave her and then I'm annoyed with her and wish she'd leave me alone. I am grateful for my husband and his patience and then I want him to just go away. I want everyone to go away but at the same time I need someone to talk to. When I have someone to talk to, I don't know what to say. It is dreadful, this process of dealing and recovering.
I make plans to stay busy, then I dread doing things. I try to be out and about but then I get tired or miserable and don't enjoy myself. I manage to go to the gym, workout and then feel awful for the rest of the day instead of feeling good that I got out. I'm angry for no reason, agitated about nothing and well beyond what most women will consider just a little "moody."
The absolute worst part is that this is all "normal" for post miscarriage struggles and I hate knowing that even more. What the hell does that mean? Normal? How is feeling like this, feeling all over the place, normal?? How is constantly being unsure of what I want, how I feel, what to do and how I am coping with this, NORMAL?!? I want to be happy, I want to be calm and relaxed, not this, this can't be "normal" because I can't handle it. This isn't "me", this isn't who I am or who I want to be. I'm stronger than this, I can deal with bigger things than this, why is this so hard? Of course I'm sad I lost a child, but I feel as though there has to be a way to understand it and move past it, but that's not how this works.
I pray and I don't hate God for any of this. It never crossed my mind to be mad at God, or to blame God for this. God is here with me, through this, he never promised perfect, he just promised support and love, unconditionally. I'm getting that but at the same time, why isn't it making everything better? Would it be easier to be angry with God since I'm suffering? I don't know, but that's not how my relationship with God works, so that's not an option for me. I keep praying and hoping that something pulls me out of this, pulls me through this but I do keep in mind that God's plan and God's schedule aren't the same as mine. I would say that, that does frustrate me because I don't want to suffer and morn forever. I have things to do, people to see, places to you, you know...
I know all about depression and dealing with it. I don't have any hang-ups with medication and I hope that while other women go through this, they don't either. At some point you just have to say that you'll take whatever will help. I won't get into all of that, with me not being a doctor and all, I don't have the knowledge or experience to really explain everything properly. What I will say is, it doesn't hurt to ask about medications or to start therapy. Just a few questions to your doctor won't hurt, don't be afraid of asking.
So, what does my post amount to? Nothing. I just needed to be honest, to get these feelings out and to share this with other women, who may be suffering or have suffered. I want someone to know that it is okay, as I know, it is okay. The suffering, the sadness, the ups and the downs are all part of the process and even if I can't quite get a handle on them, I understand them and accept them. I'm trying to stop fighting them, stop pushing everything away and just dealing. That's definitely harder than you'd think. I want it all to go away, but that's not how it happens here. Trying to be patient with myself, with my body and even with God. I'm not patient, not even a little bit, so even that is harder than it should be.
My current mood, exhausted. I've got a headache and what I could possibly consider to be the flu. I want to go to bed, but I'm tired of being tired. I'm hoping it gets better and wishing for some type of major distraction so I can stop thinking about it. I don't think that would help, but I still keep hoping for it. The one thing getting me through it all is knowing that the pain I felt the minute I knew, is worse than anything I've felt since, so it is getting better, even if I can't see it.
I hope someone reads this and it helps. If it doesn't help, I hope you at least know how crazy I am these days and if you see me, you'll know not to move in for a hug :) I'm not stable so I can't promise anything. It's funny cause its true.
I think unless you've experienced a miscarriage, this post might not be as easy to follow as the rest, if you are still reading I wish you luck.
I feel awful. I've dealt with the reality of it, but I can't seem to deal with anything else. I can't seem to deal with the feelings or emotions that just pop up. I can't seem to deal with randomly needing to cry or sleep or feeling sick then feeling better. I want things back to normal, or whatever normal was, I just want that back. It feels like I'm not in control of anything. First, I lose the baby now I'm losing my mind. Or at least that's how it feels. Worse is that I know I'm not really losing my mind but for some reason I can't control any of the feelings.
I'm tired during the day and then I'm awake all night. I want to sleep but I hate being in bed, I want to stay awake so I can get something done, but I can't get anything started. I love ELH and crave her and then I'm annoyed with her and wish she'd leave me alone. I am grateful for my husband and his patience and then I want him to just go away. I want everyone to go away but at the same time I need someone to talk to. When I have someone to talk to, I don't know what to say. It is dreadful, this process of dealing and recovering.
I make plans to stay busy, then I dread doing things. I try to be out and about but then I get tired or miserable and don't enjoy myself. I manage to go to the gym, workout and then feel awful for the rest of the day instead of feeling good that I got out. I'm angry for no reason, agitated about nothing and well beyond what most women will consider just a little "moody."
The absolute worst part is that this is all "normal" for post miscarriage struggles and I hate knowing that even more. What the hell does that mean? Normal? How is feeling like this, feeling all over the place, normal?? How is constantly being unsure of what I want, how I feel, what to do and how I am coping with this, NORMAL?!? I want to be happy, I want to be calm and relaxed, not this, this can't be "normal" because I can't handle it. This isn't "me", this isn't who I am or who I want to be. I'm stronger than this, I can deal with bigger things than this, why is this so hard? Of course I'm sad I lost a child, but I feel as though there has to be a way to understand it and move past it, but that's not how this works.
I pray and I don't hate God for any of this. It never crossed my mind to be mad at God, or to blame God for this. God is here with me, through this, he never promised perfect, he just promised support and love, unconditionally. I'm getting that but at the same time, why isn't it making everything better? Would it be easier to be angry with God since I'm suffering? I don't know, but that's not how my relationship with God works, so that's not an option for me. I keep praying and hoping that something pulls me out of this, pulls me through this but I do keep in mind that God's plan and God's schedule aren't the same as mine. I would say that, that does frustrate me because I don't want to suffer and morn forever. I have things to do, people to see, places to you, you know...
I know all about depression and dealing with it. I don't have any hang-ups with medication and I hope that while other women go through this, they don't either. At some point you just have to say that you'll take whatever will help. I won't get into all of that, with me not being a doctor and all, I don't have the knowledge or experience to really explain everything properly. What I will say is, it doesn't hurt to ask about medications or to start therapy. Just a few questions to your doctor won't hurt, don't be afraid of asking.
So, what does my post amount to? Nothing. I just needed to be honest, to get these feelings out and to share this with other women, who may be suffering or have suffered. I want someone to know that it is okay, as I know, it is okay. The suffering, the sadness, the ups and the downs are all part of the process and even if I can't quite get a handle on them, I understand them and accept them. I'm trying to stop fighting them, stop pushing everything away and just dealing. That's definitely harder than you'd think. I want it all to go away, but that's not how it happens here. Trying to be patient with myself, with my body and even with God. I'm not patient, not even a little bit, so even that is harder than it should be.
My current mood, exhausted. I've got a headache and what I could possibly consider to be the flu. I want to go to bed, but I'm tired of being tired. I'm hoping it gets better and wishing for some type of major distraction so I can stop thinking about it. I don't think that would help, but I still keep hoping for it. The one thing getting me through it all is knowing that the pain I felt the minute I knew, is worse than anything I've felt since, so it is getting better, even if I can't see it.
I hope someone reads this and it helps. If it doesn't help, I hope you at least know how crazy I am these days and if you see me, you'll know not to move in for a hug :) I'm not stable so I can't promise anything. It's funny cause its true.
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