Total Truth

The response from my post yesterday was amazing.  I'm glad that so many of you appreciated my honesty because it was VERY difficult to share.  Now that you know how I felt during that time, I want you to know the total truth about how I feel on a regular basis, so that you understand how different those feelings are from my day to day feelings.


First, I LOVE my husband.  There is no way, in the world, that I could ask for someone better suited for me.  He is absolutely caring and loving and a wonderful father to ELH.  During my miscarriage "drama" he did everything he could to help me.  On my worst days he went to all the trouble he could to just drag me out of bed and on my best days, he loved me 10 times more than I deserved. He suffered silently while I suffered openly, daily and endlessly.  At the end of the day, this miscarriage allowed us to know and love each other in ways we never would have before.  I'm not saying I'm thankful for the miscarriage but I'm thankful for what it did for our relationship.  


Second, I adore ELH.  I love waking up to her little voice, almost, everyday (it all depends on how many times she wakes up in the middle of the night).  Her birth changed me in ways that I never, ever thought were possible.  She has been the greatest gift to me since, well, my husband.  I had never thought that I truly wanted to have children, that part is true, but I have never thought that I didn't want ELH.  I've come to love "my family" and clearly with this last pregnancy, I was hoping to grow it a little.  


Third, I have a dedicated and strong belief in Jesus Christ as my savior.  I don't belong to a church, or have a Bible Study that I attend weekly but I have my own faith, my own journey that I enjoy and celebrate on my own.  I am currently finishing my first trip through the Bible (front to back, every single page).  I pray regularly and spend each day talking and involving the Lord in my activities and thoughts.  Without my faith I wouldn't be the woman, wife, mother, friend that I am today.  I've had it since I can remember and I'll keep it until the last day of my life.  


Clearly, the three things that I mention most in my most painful times, are three of the most important things that exist in my life.  Clearly, the feelings that I felt during my miscarriage pain, is not what I truly feel.  So, as you are having your feelings, try to remember what you know as your "total truth."  Remember, who you are and what you feel so that when those feelings take over, you will have a strong foundation to see you through the pain.

My strongest feeling about dealing with the miscarriage is to experience the full ranges of emotions that come along with the situation.  Allow yourself to be sad, to be angry, to be depressed, to feel everything that comes into your heart and mind.  If you try to avoid the feelings or hide them, they will stay in there and you'll never be able to move past the pain.  BUT, always remember your "total truths" so that you don't fall into believing what you are feeling.  They are just feelings, associated with your loss, not truths that are associated with your day to day life.


I can't write and say that I'm better and that I feel all rainbows and sunshine but I am dealing with it and when you experience a loss like this, "dealing with it" is the best you can do.  In the process of dealing with it, you'll need to find someone to talk to too.  You'll want to find the right person and if that person doesn't exist, then you'll need to prep the wrong person so they have the right reaction.  If your husband isn't understanding (like mine was) you may want to sit him down and tell him that you just need to talk, you need him to listen and you just want him to be there.  Some people won't have the reactions you'd hope and some people will do more than you could have ever expected.  Don't judge your relationships based on how people react though.  Most of the time people won't know what to do or what to say, give them a break and if you can tell them what you need to hear and what you need them to do.  


If you don't have anyone to talk to, or you feel like no one understands, I'm here.  You can email me and you can tell me your feelings and I won't judge and I'll be there.  I had such overwhelming support through my pain that I want to return that support to anyone who needs it.  I'm here, so never say that you don't have someone that will understand.  You do.  


My life.  It is different, it has changed and it will never be what it was so I have to move on and be a better person from it, that's the only way to feel good about something so bad.  

Pure Pain

I'm not fixing my grammar or spelling.  I'm not taking out any swearing and I'm not changing anything I wrote.  I'm letting you see my pure pain and suffering.  I've received SO many emails from women who say they are feeling certain things and no one understands or they have no one to talk to.  Well, here it is.  The suffering, purely as it was coming on, I typed it all out.  This was over the course of a few days, not just in one sitting.  I can say now, that I don't feel the pain as much as I did at this time (months ago) I still understand it and I know where it was coming from.
For those of you that are just casually reading, this isn't for the faint of heart.

"No, I don’t want to try again, I already got pregnant, give me that baby

I want MY baby in April, that’s what I want to be pregnant with, not another baby, another time

How is this fair, oh I know, life isn’t fair, everyone has it worse than me, but fuck that I wanted that baby, I was excited, ready, that was what I wanted I’m tired of god’s plan, I’m tired of adjusting and readjusting myself to whatever happens, I want what I want to happen, to happen not just whatever fucking feels like happening how is that even right

And then I’m supposed to understand, supposed to be smarter than this and I am and that sucks more I just want to be bitter, not think about hope or faith or read the bible

I don’t want to see another passage or another story or hear about praying and believing, I know God didn’t DO this to me and it isn’t his fault but I’m over it, done with that bs, give me a break from it I don’t feel hopeful or spiritual

And then a toothache and like I don’t have enough to deal with, its like really, enough, okay I’ve had enough I can’t even deal with this miscarriage can my fucking teeth be fine, of course not, why should they be, I’ll be strong and I’ll just deal with everything and I’ll survive and I know the right thing to do and what I’m supposed to say but you know fucking what I don’t want to do it anymore

I’m tired I want it all to go away the house, the dog, ELH all of it this isn’t working out like it was supposed to that baby was supposed to be here with us, now no, okay then well I don’t want to play anymore, not fair, I quit, yes over a miscarriage, I quit, over something as insignificant as a miscarriage, tons of women have them, who cares, they baby wasn’t that far along, I’m fine but I saw that baby and that baby’s heart and I felt that baby and I felt it love its daddy when he would rub my stomach and I loved it too and I wanted that baby to be here, knowing how much she would love her daddy I felt all that and then, just gone

Just, oh heart stopped no big deal baby is gone, no pregnancy, no holiday, no baby and everyone is sorry but they can move on and stop thinking of it, or think of it and feel sorry for my loss and everyone can tell me about their story and of course theirs are always worse, so mine isn’t that bad, at least she wasn’t stillborn, at least I wasn’t far along, at least this and that well, I mean the baby is dead regardless so come the fuck on and let me just have it, who cares how

I wasn’t even bleeding that much, how could she have died, why, what I hate it all, there are no good answers, just have “faith” and pray, pray about what? To feel better, to be happy my baby is in heaven to be grateful for my blessings well I don’t want to be, not one bit and yup I know I’m being bitter and angry and unreasonable but oh fucking well, no one asked me if it was okay to take my baby so I think I’ll be however I want

A fucking toothache, seriously, from being pregnant, that’s what I get to think about, as if it weren’t enough I have to suffer in pain and be reminded that the pregnancy caused a toothache but now I’m just not pregnant, no baby and I’m kind of glad, I don’t want to be fat and pregnant and have an infant and deal with that stress and not sleep and be miserable and I don’t want to be married and raise ELH, fuck it all, I want my own life back, all of this shit where I have to do things for everyone else and whatever, I don’t want to do it, I’ll take my own life back and and move on if that’s how this goes, I mean anything can happen then I’ll just do what I want and be happy but oh no, I know better than that so that’s not fair and what about ELH she doesn’t deserve that but what the FUCK, what about ME, all I have to fucking do is worry about everyone else, what they feel, making it okay, putting my feelings and wants aside and trying to be ‘christian” and have faith and pray and be a good person, well it was hard enough before I’m too tired to do it now

Yes, that means I don’t want to deal with God and love and patience, none of it and I know that’s not right and you’d think I’d want to pray and try but I don’t, I don’t want to , why should I who even cares I just hate it and no I don’t want to “harm myself” fuck at this point I just want to have a good time, why would I want to end my life, now it is my turn, my life, I’ve tried for so long, I didn’t want ELH, I didn’t want this life and everyone said oh God has a plan for you, just deal with it, so day after day I grin and bear it, trying to make the best of it, trying to feel blessed but that’s not what I wanted and I was just doing what I should, we were having a family and I was going to be happy and have kids and you know I didn’t want this in the first place, I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t want to deal with this, and here I am stuck with ELH but I can’t have a baby that I actually want to have, why, how is that fair, I’ve hated half the days I’ve dealt with over the past 4 years and now this, now I don’t even get this baby

So that obviously means I should worry about myself not everyone else or god’s plan for me to be married and have ELH, I’ll just go and do what I want then I wont’ love anyone so I don’t have to deal with this I don’t’ want support or hugs or cards I wanted that baby

And now I have to watch ELH grow knowing this other baby won’t, won’t do what ELH is doing, what be ELH’s age or be in school right after ELH I have to go on the entire rest of my life ALWAYS thinking about that, are you fucking kidding me…oh well at least you have a child, yes, great a constant reminder of what this child will never be, fun.

And thigns don’t just stop, they go and go and go and everyone goes and I’m supposed to deal and just breathe and take it day by day but you know I want to say no, no I don’t want anymore days to go by, I don’t know how to deal with this or what to do and I don’t want to talk to another single person who tells me they don’t understand but they are sorry or they don’t know what to say but they tell me to pray, give me a fucking break, pray, okay, ya. 

I want to go. I want to leave. I want all new, start again, do it differently I want the life I wanted, not the life I got. I prayed to get through each day to make peace with my decisions and the outcomes, I prayed to love my husband to have patience with my daughter, I prayed to deal with everything I couldn’t deal with and now this, now I’m supposed to pray about something that god very clearly knows happened and I know it will be okay, of course it will be okay but it still isn’t fair and I don’t’ like it I don’t like not being pregnant, where is my baby, why isn’t she here why isn’t she growing, I know she was okay, I know, I felt her and now she’s not, now she’s gone I keep having these feelings like maybe she’ll come back, maybe I’ll wake up and it will be a dream

I hate all the books, I’m tired of trying to feel better or to understand, how about this, I hate it and I don’t understand and I don’t care and I don’t feel like bonding and I’m sorry you lost your baby but fuck off cause I’m trying to deal

I don’t’ want to see people or talk to people, yes I want to go away and be alone but I don’t have that choice so I keep going on and talking and smiling and being strong and doing whatever I’m supposed to while I secretly hate every person that forces me to talk to them, to smile at them, I hate my husband for making me deal with him and his shit and to talk to him and not just leave me alone and let me be

I was the pregnant one, I had her, in me, we were together and now we are not, no you don’t understand and I don’t want you to be nice, you have that choice, you aren’t suffering enough so you can feel sorry for me and can offer to help and care and I don’t want any of it of course you stayed by me at the hospital, what else were you going to do, I had to do it all there, I had to go through it, I had to lose the baby I had to be pregnant and then I’m expected to be pregnant again, because miscarriages just happen and you just try again and we’ll just try again I don’t want him to touch me, ever, I don’t’ want to try or to hug or to be intimate I’m in a bad mood, I hate this, I don’t want to deal with anyone else, I literally hate every person that makes me even make eye contact, I just want it all to go away, why shouldn’t it, I wanted the baby, the baby is gone so fuck the rest of this

No, I’m not totally crazy I just need this all to come out, all to be out of me, so I had to type it, had to type every thought I had so it would just go away and be some where else.  God help the person that reads this. 

I don’t sleep but I’m always tired, I can’t make sense of half of what I’m doing and when I am making sense I’m usually just not doing anything.  I’m not hungry but I eat junk, I want to exercise and feel good but I can’t allow myself, why should I there is always something to do, not a ton, but always something and I want to do nothing. I know, I know medication.  I’ll talk to my DR fine but that doesn’t change THIS, THIS changed me, my life, everything and too bad for everyone else that has to deal with it.  I feel selfish and miserable and I want to feel it, I like it.  And I’m tired again and I’m going to go out and pretend to have fun and care and I don’t, I don’t want to go, I want to stay home I hate everyone, hate their lives and their conversations and I don’t want to get ready but I will and I don’t want to do anything but I will and I don’t want to

My fucking tooth.  Seriously. 

Everything is just different now."