It is weird, why I didn't bother "unjoining" the "What to Expect" newsletter after my miscarriage. I guess I didn't want to do it, didn't want to finalize it and really have to remove everything that reminded me of the pregnancy. It didn't hurt to see the weeks, well, until now.
Today would have been 40 weeks. Which means the baby would have, could have, might have been here by now.
Sometimes you don't know what is wrong but you know something is wrong and today is one of those days. I knew I was 40 weeks, but I didn't think it would bother me. I'm pregnant again, I'm blessed with another chance, why would I be bothered. I can understand if I hadn't gotten pregnant yet, but I am so I'm happy, right?
It still hurts. It is still sad and I still miss the baby that never was, that might have been here with me now, as I would have been typing something totally different. Or, since I started this from my miscarriage, I wouldn't have been typing anything at all.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
I hate admitting this.
After all the time I spent crying, mourning over the loss of my baby it pains me to admit this. After the months that went by where I was devastated to not be pregnant, I hate admitting this. However, in keeping with the theme of being totally honest, I have to admit this.
I hate being pregnant.
Yes, there. I said it, posted it and now people can read that I am an ungrateful, horrible woman who doesn't enjoy carrying a human life inside her body and doesn't appreciate the amazing blessing that it is.
Well, that's not totally true, I do appreciate and I do pray every night to thank the God in heaven above that we were able to have another baby. I really do. I hear from friends who still haven't been able to have a baby after losing theirs and it hurts my heart to think of how much that would have killed me. I'm sad for them mostly because I know the pain each month and they have to experience as I am not having to any longer.
Yet, here I sit, seriously saying that I hate being pregnant. HATE IT.
Why you ask? Well, I wasn't one of those women who was blessed with magical and beautiful pregnancies. I'll keep it simple and give you a list of reasons why I hate being pregnant and I think if you can imagine, you'd hate it too.
1. I can't eat anything without it making me sick. SICK to my stomach. Anything. You name it, I've tried it. Celery, crackers, toast, watermelon, cake, ice cream, chicken, no really, everything, I've tried it and it doesn't work. I try to not eat, which then means I'm starving and desperate to eat, so I eat too much and end up more sick. If someone told me eating grass would help, I would eat it. I already take Nexium for stomach issues and trust me it does NOTHING while I'm pregnant. I might as well save myself the money and quit taking it, except I'm too afraid of how much worse I could feel. Right now, I'm sick, you know what I've had, WATER.
2. I constantly have a headache. Tylenol doesn't help, I can't take anything else and having a headache, with a toddler, while carrying a baby is dreadful. I've tried lots of water or exercise or sleep. Nope, just a headache.
3. My back constantly hurts. Hurts in ways that it shouldn't hurt when I'm not even big yet. Back ache all day and all night and stretching and Tylenol doesn't change it. I've tried drinking more water (I drink tons of water) and I've tried sleeping with different pillows or sitting up, but nothing works.
4. I am always tired. Too tired to do anything, too tired to move, too tired to clean and not in a way where I'm just being lazy and making excuses but in a way where keeping my eyes open is so much work that it starts to give me a headache. (see #2) You think you understand tired but try to figure on, not sleeping all night, then being up all day but that you did sleep all night and yet are somehow still that tired. Then try a toddler NOT being tired, ever.
5. I won't get into this too much for the sake of anyone I know reading it, but I pee too much and don't poo ever. I probably go to the bathroom 20 times a day (from all the water that I keep thinking will help with everything) and I probably poo, once every 20 days. If you have any idea what that feels like...well, I just hope you don't.
6. I'm emotional but at all the wrong times. Something terrible could be going on, I could break my arm and will have no feelings about the situation but then I'll see my daughter sleeping and break down and bawl. I am angry at my husband for absolutely nothing at times and then others times for everything. I'm not going to go so far as to say he isn't annoying, but I don't think he's quite as bad as my pregnancy brain is making him seem. Between being annoyed with him and being sobby over my daughter, I seem like a lunatic. (I'm not saying that I am NOT) I can't figure out if I'm mad at people for legitimate reasons or if I'm just crazy from being pregnant. I try to just not talk to people for fear of scaring them off.
At this point, I feel like a horrible human being for posting this, but I needed to get it out. I've found other women posting things about hating being pregnant but I wanted my two cents out there as well. So there you have it. I hate it and best part about it, is that I've got SIX months to go and if I remember correctly from the last pregnancy, it does NOT get better.
I hate being pregnant.
Yes, there. I said it, posted it and now people can read that I am an ungrateful, horrible woman who doesn't enjoy carrying a human life inside her body and doesn't appreciate the amazing blessing that it is.
Well, that's not totally true, I do appreciate and I do pray every night to thank the God in heaven above that we were able to have another baby. I really do. I hear from friends who still haven't been able to have a baby after losing theirs and it hurts my heart to think of how much that would have killed me. I'm sad for them mostly because I know the pain each month and they have to experience as I am not having to any longer.
Yet, here I sit, seriously saying that I hate being pregnant. HATE IT.
Why you ask? Well, I wasn't one of those women who was blessed with magical and beautiful pregnancies. I'll keep it simple and give you a list of reasons why I hate being pregnant and I think if you can imagine, you'd hate it too.
1. I can't eat anything without it making me sick. SICK to my stomach. Anything. You name it, I've tried it. Celery, crackers, toast, watermelon, cake, ice cream, chicken, no really, everything, I've tried it and it doesn't work. I try to not eat, which then means I'm starving and desperate to eat, so I eat too much and end up more sick. If someone told me eating grass would help, I would eat it. I already take Nexium for stomach issues and trust me it does NOTHING while I'm pregnant. I might as well save myself the money and quit taking it, except I'm too afraid of how much worse I could feel. Right now, I'm sick, you know what I've had, WATER.
2. I constantly have a headache. Tylenol doesn't help, I can't take anything else and having a headache, with a toddler, while carrying a baby is dreadful. I've tried lots of water or exercise or sleep. Nope, just a headache.
3. My back constantly hurts. Hurts in ways that it shouldn't hurt when I'm not even big yet. Back ache all day and all night and stretching and Tylenol doesn't change it. I've tried drinking more water (I drink tons of water) and I've tried sleeping with different pillows or sitting up, but nothing works.
4. I am always tired. Too tired to do anything, too tired to move, too tired to clean and not in a way where I'm just being lazy and making excuses but in a way where keeping my eyes open is so much work that it starts to give me a headache. (see #2) You think you understand tired but try to figure on, not sleeping all night, then being up all day but that you did sleep all night and yet are somehow still that tired. Then try a toddler NOT being tired, ever.
5. I won't get into this too much for the sake of anyone I know reading it, but I pee too much and don't poo ever. I probably go to the bathroom 20 times a day (from all the water that I keep thinking will help with everything) and I probably poo, once every 20 days. If you have any idea what that feels like...well, I just hope you don't.
6. I'm emotional but at all the wrong times. Something terrible could be going on, I could break my arm and will have no feelings about the situation but then I'll see my daughter sleeping and break down and bawl. I am angry at my husband for absolutely nothing at times and then others times for everything. I'm not going to go so far as to say he isn't annoying, but I don't think he's quite as bad as my pregnancy brain is making him seem. Between being annoyed with him and being sobby over my daughter, I seem like a lunatic. (I'm not saying that I am NOT) I can't figure out if I'm mad at people for legitimate reasons or if I'm just crazy from being pregnant. I try to just not talk to people for fear of scaring them off.
At this point, I feel like a horrible human being for posting this, but I needed to get it out. I've found other women posting things about hating being pregnant but I wanted my two cents out there as well. So there you have it. I hate it and best part about it, is that I've got SIX months to go and if I remember correctly from the last pregnancy, it does NOT get better.
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